Midnight ramblings of the DNP student:

Midnight ramblings of the DNP student:
This is such an interesting conversation for me. My identified specialty has been hospice and palliative care for the last 7 years, and 5 years of that has been pediatric hospice and palliative care. This discussion around quality of life, suffering, and futility is one that I am definitely passionate about. I started my nursing career as a neonatal intensive care nurse. To say that futility was very present in my practice was an understatement. I can remember at the early onset of my career being very aware that it cost around 4,000 dollars a day just for the bed space that the premature infant that I was caring for occupied. I never thought twice about that then. Now I think long and hard, and it has more to do with the loss of quality of life versus the cost of that bed space.
As someone who has had many discussions with patients and families around quality of life and goals of care I would absolutely advocate for the fact that quality of life is an individual perception. I have practiced throughout my hospice career asking the question, "what is important to you?" or "what are you hoping for?" The surprising part is that the answer is not usually what we as providers expect. It is not usually the patient saying, "a cure," or "not to die," but that they want to be free from suffering or they want their loved one to be okay. It is that they want to make it to a milestone like a birthday or graduation. The issue that we have as a healthcare industry is that we quit including our patients in the conversation. We quit being honest and respecting autonomy in the name of protecting our patients and families from the hard conversations. The reality is that we are protecting ourselves because these conversations are hard. I tell my students way more than they want to hear several things. The first thing is that we don't own our patient's hope. It is our role to give them factual information to aid them in making informed decisions about their own healthcare. They are going to continue to hope regardless of the factual information we give them, because hope is individual and personal. The second aspect is that these conversations improve outcomes, not hinder them. If we don't give our patients the information they need to make informed decisions they will continue to follow a path that may induce suffering and hinder quality of life, the quality of life that they have left. Doing all of the things does not automatically equal doing all of the right things for that patient. Futility leads to suffering and burden which is exactly what we aim to save our patients from. The 60 minutes documentary illustrated this truth beautifully.

https://youtu.be/F6xPBmkrn0g

(And by the way this 60minutes was in 2010...we haven't gained much traction in 9 years which is heartbreaking to me)

"We need to refocus our efforts toward end-of-life care so that we can better identify the needs of patients with advanced illness, and then offer intensive treatment when patients want it, help enable a more peaceful death when they don’t, and learn how to manage that transition" (Jha, 2018, p. 631).

THIS IS MY PASSION...
In a semester in which I was questioning what I was doing this discussion post came at just the right time. Talk about the hard stuff...it is worth more than you'll ever know.
#midnightdnpposts #passion #hpm #pedspal #mycalling


Reference
Jha, A. K. (2018). End-of-Life Care, Not End-of-Life Spending. Jama, 320(7), 631. doi:10.1001/jama.2018.11177

It's been a long time fam...

Tonight I came home from a typical day at work.  Dennie and I decided to go and do happy hour together around Park Circle...we love where we live.  We had some drinks at a Mexican restaurant and then we went and talked to some friends of ours that were out right by where we were for a couple of hours.  It was great.  We talked about everything under the sun and then about nothing at all.  Then I came home and immediately got a message from a former patient's mom on social media.  It was a gut punch.  Not because I didn't want to hear from her...but because it was an instant reminder of my past life.  That I miss...that were some of the best days of my life and in the same breath some of the worst.  I lost one of my most precious patients ever in just a couple of months from now.  I remember because I was on vacation this very week while I was getting messages constantly that my colleagues didn't know if he would make it before I got back.  I remember distinctly praying that he would wait for me.  Selfishly wait for me to get back to be able to be present.  Be present for the hours...minutes...moments before he passed from this existence to the next.  Was that selfish...YES...but unselfishly I had been there...I had been there for the appointments....the difficult conversations...the moments that defined a trajectory...selfishly I wanted to finish our journey together.  And guess what...that is exactly what I got.  Like so many times before he surprised me...he pushed through...instead of July it was January...just like Erik to push it beyond anyone's expectations..."that's what she said" was his favorite saying and that is just what he proved between July to January..."that's what she said," NOPE, "that's what he said."  HE SAID he would do it in his own time...he did just that!  That is why I cried tonight.  I cried because he waited...I cried because I was present....I cried because I see in these present hurried days that presence is few and far between and I.need.to.do.better!  Better for me...better for Erik...better for my future self.  The end.  Here's to the present 💔💗 Thank you Erik for teaching me to be present...in everything 💕💕💕

Seeing the other Rainbow

Well to say the last month and a half has been a roller coaster might be the understatement of the century.  So many changes...in the end ALL for the best...although in the midst of the storm it is really hard to see the rainbow.  There is hurt and confusion and questioning...questioning of what you thought you knew...who you thought you knew...what you thought the plan was and where you were supposed to be, but in the end He always knows best and goes before us...especially when the storm clouds are the thickest and He knows we have lost our way.  Over the last month and a half I have done a lot of self reflection and re-evaluation of my priorities.  The result has been more than I could have ever asked or imagined.  Things are still evolving and we are still working out this new normal, but we are so thankful and blessed.  I have people in my life who continue to stand beside me and encourage me even when the despair is so thick it's hard to breath.  They remind me of His mercy and love...and that He carries me through because I am His.  Romans 8:28 is my life verse and my loving merciful God continues to show me how true that verse is.
Driving home from a meeting in Columbia on Wednesday I got to see this amazing double rainbow.  I thought about how reflective that is of these times in my life.  The first rainbow is so bold and bright and it is the first thing my eyes go to, but there in the background is the second rainbow.  I get caught up on the first thing my eyes go to...the thing that makes the most sense...but there in the background may be something that doesn't stand out as much...isn't as bold and obvious...but holds so much of what He has planned.  I just have to refocus on what is just as much in front of my face as that big bold rainbow.  Landry told me yesterday that she thought it was so crazy that our eyes interpret color and their boldness.  Our eyes have control when mixed with light to make the colors appear the way they do.  It is all about focus...how is that any different than the choices we make in our lives?  Where we put our energy and focus is where we see the color.  The true test is being able to be still and listen to what He is telling you...where He is calling you.  That is what this last month and a half has been about.  He closed a huge door and opened doors to more than I could have asked or imagined.  Again and again He does that for this not really great at focusing or listening sinner girl.  I will be forever thankful for that grace.
I can officially now say that I have started my own business doing what I love to do and feel called to do...advocating, educating, and supporting Palliative and Hospice Education.  Palmetto Palliative Care Consultants, LLC has been a far off dream for a while now, and because doors were closed this door finally opened.   We cried and celebrated yesterday as this dream became official not only in our minds but legally as well.  The even more exciting part of all of this is because of the flexibility of operating this business on my own I have the ability to pursue other opportunities as well.  I am teaching nursing clinicals for the college I was blessed enough to obtain my first degree from, and on the horizon are two amazing opportunities to expand on this formal teaching position.  The first clinical I did I came straight home and told all of my people...that didn't even feel like work...this is where I am meant to be!
More importantly these doors closing and opening have given me the opportunity to be home.  Home with Landry...home to eat dinner with my family...home to support them in the everyday.  This has been the greatest gift of all.  I see mommas post all the time about how babies don't keep, and there has never been a truer statement.  They are ours for only a short time and we need to cherish every moment we are given.  My greatest accomplishment is being the momma of these two amazing girls God gave me.  All I am and all I do is for them!!

Answered Prayers

So you think you collect all of these letters behind your name and you've actually figured something out.  But the truth is you can have a whole alphabet soup behind your name and not actually know a thing.  I never really thought I had it all figured out...I am not that naive...but I thought I maybe had some things figured out.  Like the fact that I was doing what I was called to do and where God wanted me to be, but He tends to teach you big lessons in not so subtle ways.  Like the time He kicked me right in the gut and said okay your priorities are all wrong and I am going to need you to get it together.  I wasn't such a good listener when He had been talking and talking and talking in my ear letting me know this truth, but I continued to march along a path that He clearly didn't have planned for me.  So He taught this sinner girl a lesson in the best way He could.  He showed me that I am not all knowing...I am not the one who knows the plans He has...I am the one who is supposed to listen and submit and know when it is time to be what He is calling me to be.  So through a tough lesson and a painful process I ended up with today.
TODAY...Today was a good day...it was a day that I have prayed and hoped for...for a long time.  It was a day that a dream was realized...actually several dreams were realized.  I am so thankful...and so blessed...so blessed to be the daughter of a forgiving and graceful Father.
Today I taught my very first nursing school clinical.  I taught wide eyed...okay deer in the headlights...brand new nursing students...and at the nursing school that I was so lucky to graduate from.  The craziest part of today is that I taught two students who represented separate parts of my nursing career.  One student was a medical assistant when I worked my clinical coordinator job for pediatric neurosurgery and one was the sister of a patient who I was so blessed to care for from early diagnosis to her death not too long ago.  It was a very real and tangible reminder of why I chose to be a nurse...why I love what I am blessed to do everyday and for that I am so completely thankful.  Sometimes you just have to be reminded why it is that you have been working so hard and so long at your passion and your career.  Today was a very real reminder.  A real reminder that He knew that I needed.  I am so thankful He knows His daughter so well.
These last several weeks have been full of questioning and wondering and heartache...but in the end and in my mind the whole time I knew that He had a much bigger plan in place for me and I just had to be still and listen.  He never gives us more than we can handle...we may think we are weak but He is always strong and carries us through whatever situation we are presented with.  These footprints in the sand have been solo and they haven't been mine...they have been His...and He has carried me the whole way....not just these last several weeks...but for a long time now.
This crazy journey may not look the way we think it is going to look, but He always has a plan and it is always the best plan.
TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!  Thank you Lord for your presence and provision...ALWAYS!

Growing Up...

The funny thing about having a child grow up is that you grow up.  I thought by the time I had spent a little more than 38 years on this planet that I had done a lot of growing up.  Through getting married, having children, earning three degrees, and the consistent hills (okay mountains) and valleys, that I had packed a lot in these years blessed to me BUT then you watch your babies grow and grow and grow...and no matter how much pleading you do...no matter how many times you stomp your foot...or use your best mom voice...they do it anyway.   They grow and spread their wings and leave.  And you feel a little lonely.

Not because you don't want them to do all of those things, but because you wonder how did it go so quickly.  Were we not just in that Trident Hospital birthing room welcoming (painfully) that joyful bundle into this big wide world and wondering how in the ever loving hell we would ever shape a person to be good and functioning and have a loving heart...a heart that would break for those around her that didn't have the things and the love that she had.  But you know what....we did it.  Don't ask me how...or to write any kind of parenting book...because mine would include A LOT of cussing and apologizing and grace...NOTHING perfect...NOTHING textbook...BUT there was love and A LOT of it for that not always so sweet baby angel that I pushed out into this world in that Trident Hospital birthing room.

But the growing has this funny way of continuing to happen...not just for her or her sister...but for me.   I have recognized in me a need.  A need to know that I am loved and cherished and cared for.  It is the strangest juxtaposition....really it is.  I have always worked very hard to compensate...to make those around me immensely happy.  Without a shadow of a doubt I hope my tombstone one day will read...She made the ones around her feel immensely happy and always loved.  I think that for the longest these feelings would creep into my psyche and I would of course...like any good, well raised, southern girl...push them back and soldier on.   I have babies to raise and a husband to care for and houses to keep and careers to excel at and the list goes on and on, but you know what I realized (maybe not such a long time ago) is that I am worth it.  I am worth feeling like I should have those things that always creep up in this ever moving crazy mind of mine...loved...cherished...cared for...these are not just wants...they are needs and that is the raw honest truth.   There is no guilt there...no guilt for speaking my mind...no guilt for knowing what I need...not just what I want but what.I.need.  I have always said that what I wanted for my girls was to know that they are always enough...always...no questions asked.  I truly believe when you know you are loved...not for what you've done or accomplished but simply because you breath air...then you know at the bottom of your soul that you are enough.  Being their momma has been the single biggest pleasure of my entire life...God's greatest gift without question.

So as this season comes and goes I can say that I may be the most thankful for this time of my life. It has been hard...actually I think maybe I should come up with another term for this kind of hard...four letters doesn't seem big enough...even if some of my favorite words have four letters...refer back to the part where I said the thing about cussing :) but I digress...I am so thankful for the lessons of this season and the self awareness it has brought about.  But mostly I am thankful for the clear view of my worthiness that the sweet baby bird flying out of this coop brings.  She may not realize it....and someday I hope she does and takes great pride in it....what she has taught me.  My girls have taught me immensely more than I could have ever taught them.  They are my life song...my greatest joy...and if I never have another blessing for as long as I live they will ALWAYS be more than enough.

Year of Freedom

Freedom has so many different connotations.  I had thought that this year my word was going to be "Stillness" but as I've prayed over it and really listened to God speak to my heart I feel that He is laying the word FREEDOM heavy on my heart.  That one word has so many different meanings for me.  So many that even writing this blog post makes tears come to my eyes on what freedom in my life could really mean.  
I have been a slave to so many things throughout my life. Slave to perception...slave to comparison...slave to temptation...slave to jealousy....slave to my expectations and desire.   All of this self imposed slavery has left me with very little margin for the pieces of my life that should get all of my attention.  It has left very little room for what God is calling on me to do for His kingdom.  It has left me chained to unrealistic goals and an unrealistic perception of how things should work.  I think what this prayerful consideration has made me most aware of is that I have taken over my life and turned away from listening to His calling and only paid attention to my own.  This has further entrenched me in this slavery.  
So this is my year of FREEDOM.  Freedom from all of these binding ties.  Ties that keep my hands full when my hands should be empty and outstretched to what He has to fill them...ONLY WHAT HE HAS....not what I think should be filling the spaces.   This morning my devotional verse was Matthew 12:9-14.  

"Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there.  Looking for a reason to bring charges against Jesus, they asked him, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?"  He said to them, "If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out?  How much more valuable is a person than a sheep!  Therefore it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath."  Then he said to the man, "Stretch out your hand."  So he stretched it out and it was completely restored, just as sound as the other.  But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.

Lord there are so many pieces to pull from this part of your word.  The first truth being that you are always present to protect and restore.  Just like the shepherd to the sheep you save us continually.  Lord of all of your blessings I am so completely thankful for that fact.  This sinner needs saving------always.  The other truth is that all we have to do is stretch out our hands----you are waiting----waiting for our willingness to turn from the things that are not of You and focus our sights on You and Your plan.   Lord I pray for the clarity in my vision only You can provide.  Thank you Lord for Your patience and love.  The third truth is that the devil will always be plotting our destruction.  He also patiently waits and circles like a lion to its prey----waiting to attack the vulnerable spaces in our lives.  Lord I pray for the strength only you can provide to resist the constant temptation of this world and the devil.  Lord I pray for a deep abiding fire for you and your calling----the FREEDOM only You can provide!!

Amen!!

Tears upon tears upon tears

Tonight I cried...I cried and I cried and I cried.  I probably cried more than I have cried in a very long time.  Madie took her first trip to Greenwood by herself.  She was supposed to being going ahead with two of her friends that want to go to Lander with her and we were going to follow up a little later to meet them there, but things happen.  Things happened today...it took me an hour and a half to get to Folly and I was exhausted.   I didn't get in from my Biloxi trip until 11:30pm last night and well to put it mildly my body has had enough.  Between flights and bronchitis and stress and babies being seniors and moving and all the feelings I couldn't go another step.  I called Madie...I called my grandmother...I called Landry...Dennie and I talked and it was decided that we would let Madie do this trip on her own (staying with my sweet Sally Faye of course) and we wouldn't go...we would stay behind.  I convinced myself that this was what I wanted.  I needed the rest...my body did...my mind did...and soon enough she would be doing this on her own all of the time.  But those things are easier said than done.
In 195 days my girl will be graduating from high school...in 274 days she will starting classes as a freshman in college...
I have to pause here because this is what brings the tears.   
Tonight I sat on this screened porch and listened to the waves pound on the shore and I cried.  I cried for how proud I am of that baby of mine.  The amazing young woman she has become...the fact that when it really comes down to it I am not worried for her.  She is brave and smart and head strong and persistent and marches to her own beat and loves fiercely and defends even more fiercely.  She is her mother's daughter.  She has my eyes and my spirit and my mouth and my hard head and my heart for those less fortunate than her.   She has a heart to help and lead and doubt and wonder and fiercely love.    How did I get to be her momma.  When we think back on being 20 and 22 and finding out we were having her...not on our time but definitely in His plan...not when we were ready or prepared but when He knew we needed her....I am so very humbled.  I was chosen to be her momma and what an honor and privilege and struggle and joy it has been to watch her grow.  
Plain and simple...honest and true...I am not ready.  
I sobbed to Dennie on this porch that fact.  We reminisced about all the adventures when she was little.  We thought about our time in our little rental house sneaking back to watch her play at 18mos in her closet with her McDonald's play set...knowing fries would always be her food of choice.  We thought about when we didn't have two pennies to rub together but we got together enough money to take her to Disney World right before her 3rd birthday (so she would get in free).  She was so sick right before that trip...she spent 3 nights in the hospital and it was one of the scariest moments in our lives.  But as always she played by her own rules.  She didn't let a little hospital keep her out of Disney.  We laughed through tears as we thought about her telling Mrs. Frazier, her kindergarten teacher, that we were poor and didn't have enough money to go to the grocery store all because she didn't get potato chips packed in her lunch.  She has been our biggest challenge, our greatest joy, and our best version of us...she and Landry are by far the most amazing things we ever did.  No matter how imperfect we are God gave those two perfect angels to us.   There is no greater gift.  
Tonight...through the tears of joy and pain...through the memories...I am thankful.  I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I will ever know myself.  He knows the pain in my heart that at the same time brings me my most precious joy.  That precious red headed is one of two of my greatest accomplishments.   She will forever be my baby....

Praise you through this storm

I am pretty sure in one of these rambling blog posts I have talked about how I continue to pat God on the shoulder and say "Thanks for that advice...but here's my plan."  I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed and I am so grateful that God continues to love this hard headed sinner.  The old saying that we make our own beds and have to lay in them is so true, and boy is that painful sometimes.  But what I do know is that through the pain comes growth...through the pain comes a realization that He is in control and for that I will ALWAYS be thankful.  Even when this brings my shortcomings to the forefront like a beacon of light, and I have to face the proverbial music of my choices.  It hurts...it sucks (for lack of a better term)...but it is so necessary.  Fear is a huge factor that drives a lot of my decisions.  What will I be missing if I give this or that up...how could this or that possibly be right for me....the fear of the unknown is a real struggle.  Okay so I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but God didn't create a fool even when my actions may beg to differ.  I consciously make decisions for the flesh and not for the Father and this morning I poured over my devotional and bible and cried to my Father for forgiveness and a heart to turn away from choices that are completely of this world and not for His kingdom.  I heard some pretty blunt and forceful words on obedience from Him today.  I needed it...I needed those words that were not flowery or cushioned for this hard head.  He knows me...He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it and I am so thankful....even when it hurts.  I will praise Him through this storm...because He deserves nothing less and even when it hurts the praise is all due to Him.  
My fears are of this world and have no place in God's kingdom work.  In Matthew 16:21-28 Jesus is telling His disciples of His impending torture and death.  Peter comes to Him and begins to rebuke Him claiming that he will not let this happen.  I feel you Peter...I would have been like..."I will cut somebody Lord!  They will NOT do those things to you!!"  But what Jesus says to Peter cuts me to the core.  He tells Peter to get behind Him because he is acting as a stumbling block to God's Holy work.  He tells Peter that his concerns are merely human concerns and not the concerns of God.  Let's just digest that...
Who has all the feelings for Peter...I have both hands raised right now.  How many times have we gotten on our righteous horse and claimed it for God's glory?  Yikes...like I can't even count those times on all my fingers and toes...
It's NOT OUR PLAN!  The plan is His alone and our place in that is obedience.  OBEDIENCE to listen for His calling...His game plan.  That's all because NEWSFLASH...He has already won the battle.  We get to live in a place of victory through Him everyday regardless of our present circumstances.  Now that doesn't mean it's all jump castles and pony rides...oh to the contrary.  We are not living in our perfect heaven yet...we live in a very flawed world...where flesh reigns and everyday is a struggle, but the freedom comes in the fact that this doesn't have to illicit fear and disobedience.  
So yeah...hard and deep...this was hard and deep, but so necessary.  It was necessary for me to pour these words on this screen for my own soul, but also because I hear God's calling to shine this amazing light for our world right now.  We live in very uncertain times.  Times that are filled with hatred and wickedness.   Every time we turn on the news or fire up our social media we are bombarded with this flesh soaked world...all the evil and wickedness we could ever handle.  Now more than ever we need to live in this space with God and walk in obedience with Him...not be the stumbling block our self righteous hearts long to be.  

Lord thank you so much for laying this truth and these words on my heart today.  Thank you for your lesson in obedience this morning.  It was hard and I cried, but in the end the renewal in my spirit and heart to live fully for you is beyond measure.  I love you Lord!   

Forgiven

I came to a conclusion this morning...I am the daughter of a Father in heaven who knows His girl way better than she knows herself....I know I know this is not some big revelation.  I think I just forget to remember that when I am burning the candle at both ends.  I am not strong...except through Him...I am not patient...except through Him...I am not still...except when I am WITH HIM.  

This morning I was still.  I sat on this porch and listened to the waves crash and observed His magnificent glory beautifully painted in front of me.  I did my devotional and filled my cup with His words.  I haven't done this in months...and I am not just talking the fact that I am getting the pleasure of sitting on a screen porch looking at the ocean...I am talking I have not spent intentional time with my Father in months.  I have let the rush of the day....the flesh of my wants....and the never ending to do list get in front of exactly what my soul needs and desires.  

Today my devotional centered on Luke 23:26-43.  These verses describe the scene when Jesus was led away carrying the cross.  This part of Jesus' story always pains and renews me at the same time.  It reminds me, that just like the criminal in the story who confesses his crimes and asks Jesus to remember him when going into His kingdom, we are forgiven by simply confessing and allowing Jesus to live and dwell in everything we say and do....following Him with all we are.  Not following a set of legalistic rules...not "performing" as every good Christian should...not bound by fear of retribution for our wrongs...JUST GRACE...not our grace (whoa that would be bad) BUT BY HIS GRACE ALONE!  That is the renewing part of that story, and while the acknowledgement of Jesus hanging on that cross and being persecuted for my freedom and nothing He did is painful and humbling, there is such freedom and grace in His story.  He wrongfully hung on a cross for crimes He didn't commit and did so knowingly...knowing long before this ever took place that He came here to die in this way to save us.  There is NO GREATER LOVE...PERIOD. For this love and grace I am eternally thankful and renewed.  Thank you Lord for your love and grace---to you be ALL the glory!  
Take freedom in knowing this love, peace, and renewal in your life....it is beyond any words I could ever write on this page.

Not Perfect...Just Forgiven!

I love social media...okay so you can say it...thank you for that revelation Captain Obvious...but truly I do.  It is a way to keep in touch with people no matter the distance, it's a way to share joy and sorrow, express congratulation and condolence, more importantly it's an enormous platform to share the love of a precious Father.  But you know what else it is...or can be...the devil's playground.  It provides the same platform for people to feel less than, attacked, singled out, jealous, and discontent.  I felt the Lord speaking to me today to be very transparent.  What do we (for the most part) put on social media?  The filter...

We take 5 pics until we get the right one or we post the successes without all the failures that led up to that success.  It's kind of like when you hear a new music artist and it's easy to think gosh they're so lucky, but we don't think about all the years of hard work and struggle it took to get there. It's easy to forget about that when we see the one perfectly filtered and timed picture in front of us.  But the beauty in this is the God sees us through that filter everyday.  We're not lucky...we are forgiven.  I can promise that my people would tell you that there are many times that the witch with a B is front and center. I'm tired and short tempered...I want space when they already haven't had enough of my time...I want a clean and tidy house when I get home with no regard for what their week has looked like...there is a passion in me that sometimes...okay lots of times...comes across as fiery and bossy BUT I AM FORGIVEN...I am not perfect but He is and loves exactly who He made me to be...He sees me through the filter of a Father's love and there is no love more perfect.  The struggle is real y'all and I'm just #crazythankful for forgiveness.  Really the point to this post wasn't to point out all...oh believe me there are more...my faults but to truly and loudly proclaim His love for us regardless.  I hope you experience the same freedom I do just from reading those words.  Thank oh Lord for putting them on my heart this morning.  

Georgia is officially off my mind...

What's on my mind is our little piece of history.  Our home...11 years of great memories...great neighbors...parties...heartache...laughter...lots and lots of laughter...mainly family and love.  102 Harvest Moon has given us the best 11 years we could have asked for.  We've potty trained...we've argued and cried and hugged...we've taken off training wheels...we've generally lived a life that would fill any cup.  But on Monday we say goodbye.  We hand our sweet home sweet home over to a new family.  It's bittersweet.  It's exciting and it's sad all in the same ragged breath.
Our girls have spent 11 years of their 17 and almost 13 growing and thriving in this home.  There are so many sweet memories here.  Madie will go away to school in 10 short months...Landry will be in the 8th grade...life changes....we are in constant movement and I'm so very humbled and thankful for this beautiful messy life.
On Monday we say goodbye to our sweet home and hello to a little slice of Folly paradise.  We spend two months living in one of our favorite places and I can't help but think that God has blessed us with this opportunity to live in this 700 square foot cottage to be close and spend this time together.  We are all so busy and sometimes lose sight of just how blessed we are to have each other.
On this flight back to my people and my Carolina, as I listen to Ray Charles talk about Georgia on his mind, I humbly thank my sweet Father for these very precious moments that I will forever cherish.
On to the next chapter for this sweet little life we share and maintain these McDaniels.

#parkcircleherewecome #butfollyfirst #bigyearforthemcdanielfam #goodbye102

Same in any language...

Today I'm boarding another flight and looking at another screen as the flight crew goes over necessary safety information.  I'm being an insubordinate flyer...I'm not listening....I'm drowning the instructions out with my headphones in and Audible in my ear.  I know this information...I've heard it a thousand times and so why should I continue to listen every time I fly...my book is far more interesting.  

This made me think about what I do with the Father on a pretty consistent basis.  I chose to block out His whispers for time with him for all the other things.  I tell myself I've read that devotional...I've done that bible study...I've listened to that podcast...I'm busy...I have work to accomplish...I have so much going on in general...God knows my heart (He does) and He knows this is a busy season for me and my love for Him has not waned.  The reasoning goes on and on, yet like everything else time is love and time spent with Him is not what His soul needs...it is what mine needs and longs for.  

I have spent the better part of this year in fast forward, and for the most part my earthly flesh has loved every minute of it.  That's a hard pill to swallow and even harder words to write across this screen.  That's insubordination to my own soul and to a Father who asks for nothing but my heart.  It's no wonder that I've not slept well, been stressed, gained 20 lbs, and been running on fumes...the best part of my cup has not been filled and I've done a lot of soul neglecting.  The struggle has been real and I've been ignoring the instructions.  These instructions come in any language I could ever want to read them in and are without a doubt the most uncomplicated instructions we will ever be given.  BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.  His word is full of simple instruction...we are His and He loves us no matter the season or circumstance.  PERIOD...there's no catch...no small print...nada...nothing...just a Father and His precious child who He formed.  He knew the paths I would take...knows this hard head and brain that never stops...knew that I would require more than a whisper sometimes.  Today sitting on this plane He spoke LOUD and CLEAR...YOU need time with me!  Note He didn't say I need time with you.  He is the patient one...He is the one who waits for His insubordinate child to listen to His calling for my own good.  Today I heard Him...I took the time to listen and I prayed that He would fill my heart and mind with His words and wants and not those of my earthly flesh.  It's against the grain and soul soaking, but exactly what this daughter of the King should be asking for.  

Thank you Lord for knowing and loving your girl.  You're a GOOD GOOD Father!  

Rest for the Soul

I have discovered...okay I really already knew...that I have not been a very good listener up until this point.  I like to debate...I like to think about what I will say without really listening to what is being said to me first...I like to be right.  That's what being a Type A, perfectionist, high achiever maniac will get you. So this brings me to the beautiful scripture on this amazing picture I took this morning while walking on Folly Beach with my girls.  I need rest...I need to actively listen to the Lord...I need to hear his call for some peace and quiet in my life.  I need to get back to my quiet time with him and making time to really listen to his calling and quite my voice in my own head.  I have been running and running and running until finally something had to give.  So let's be honest...I have to work...I love my many jobs...I love my role as mom and wife and support for the ones I love.  So many big things are happening this year.  It is the beginning of senior year for Madie...Landry is starting 7th grade...Dennie is entering his second year as head football coach and athletic director...I have a challenging and rewarding job that keeps me away from home a lot...we are selling our house...we are building a new one...the list goes on and on.  And then there are the things I haven't made time for...I have hardly gone to church all summer...I have cooked maybe 4 meals for my family all summer...I have been in my war room maybe three times...and to be truthful all three of those times were when I was on my knees crying out to my precious Father to help me figure all of those things listed above out.  It wasn't time spent praising Him.  It wasn't time truly listening to His calling...truly hearing the words He was speaking to my soul.  
Melissa and I started the podcast as a way to connect to one another and provide encouragement and community for women and I really think we did that.  We are proud of what the Lord used us to do...we hope that someone was touched by what the Lord spoke to them through us, but we feel like right now he is calling us to a season of rest.  We know just as with every other season there will be rebirth.  We are hoping for a rebirth through rest.  We are going to take a break and focus on our families for a while...truly pour into the lives that the Lord has blessed us with.  We won't be gone forever...these Two Small Town Girls will be back...we just know right now with the start of school and football and new life adventures we must listen to His calling and hit pause for a little while.  We will continue to post on our social media platforms and maybe even blog here and there, but for right now...for this season...there won't be any new podcasts.  Thank you so much to all of you who supported our crazy idea...and we hope you continue to do so.  We hope when this hiatus is over that we will be back refreshed and better than ever.  We trust in the Lord that His plan is perfect...it is Divine and His calling is always just right.  Thank you sweet supporters for loving us through every season...

Strength

As I sit here today to read my bible and do my devotional in my favorite spot all of the memories flood my mind.  This was the spot that I would play cards...have story telling marathons...eat...talk endlessly...or just sit with my granddaddy and soak up his love and strength.  Lord knows the ache I have in my heart and how much I miss him everyday.  Yesterday celebrating Madie's 17th birthday made me really think about how it has been 9 birthdays for her without him.  He passed away on March 22, 2007 and for our little family hers was the first birthday we celebrated without him.  When I am in this lake house I can really feel him here.  I woke up at about 2am this morning overwhelmed by his presence...I know it was him letting me know that just because I can't see him doesn't mean he isn't here.   He has been here for all 9 of those birthdays...even if he's not physically here he is always in our thoughts and hearts.  Thinking about how much I love my granddaddy and how much strength just his presence provided me with really made me think about my heavenly Father.  Truly it's the same on such a scale that my heart and mind could never even comprehend it really.  This morning I turned straight to Philippians 4:13 and how appropriate.  "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  Just as my granddaddy served as a source of strength when he was physically here and still when he is here only in my heart, my sweet Father is just the same and so much more.  He is here...He is present...He is passionate about me...His girl...His daughter...
How much more could I ever ask for?  In these quiet moments spent with Him I feel His love, His strength and His ever constant presence.  
#philippians413 #mystrength 

Living requires breathing

Breathing is something we do everyday without a second thought, yet it is vital to life.  The breaths that fill our lungs give us life and sustain us.  It's necessary whether we ever think about it or not.  What if each breath we took depended on our thought...our intentional thought about each breath...its purpose and importance.  How long would we survive?

I've been thinking a lot about these seasons that we pass through...am I intentional with these moments that pass like breaths?  What importance do I place on them...importance like the vital breaths I take to live?  It's so easy to just allow them to pass by without even a fleeting thought just as it is with these precious breaths of life.  I want to chose to be intentional.  I want to chose to recognize the importance of each moment....the role these moments play in this grand scheme that God has for my life.  God has been heavy on my heart for this.  Heavy on my heart to have faith, be still, and breathe in these moments.  

So this has brought about the questions...what is taking up these breaths?  What things and people are occupying my days?  Is this what God would have me filling these moments with?  How do I accomplish this intentional living while being what I think I need to be to those around me?  

So this brings choices...choices that are hard and choices that are easier...but choices that are necessary.  My prayer is that the choices are make about this intentional time glorify Him and Him alone. 

One thing I know is that these precious red headed girls and my Dennie need me.  They need my intentional time...they need my love and attention.  So some things are going to have to take a less prominent space in my life.  And in the end it'll all be alright.  In the prophetic words of Trace Atkins...I don't want to miss this when I'm gone!  Can I get an amen!

Psalm 90:12 

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Sometimes you blink and you're almost 38

I mean 38's not old...really it's not even close compared to my sweet Sally Faye who turned 83 on July 14th.  The years that have flown by just boggle my mind.  How does it happen...how is it that one moment you're 18 and getting ready to enter college and then you're almost 38 and have a daughter who will be a senior in a matter of weeks?  It just doesn't make sense.  It makes me feel blessed and sad all in the same breath.  It makes me wonder what were the parts that I didn't cherish enough...what parts did I allow to slip through my fingers not knowing how really precious they were?  I especially think about this now that my own children are getting older but also because the people I love most are getting older.  My precious grandmother turning 83...my brothers are no longer children...they are grown men with lives and families and bringing their own precious babies into this world.  Yesterday I sat and loved on our sweet Ivy and thought about how much I couldn't wait for her daddy to come into this world...I reflected on the precious moments that I got to hold our sweet baby Charlie and how even though we will never get to love on him again here on earth he will forever be in our hearts and waiting for us in heaven.  I'm sure our precious granddaddy...his namesake...is telling him all kinds of stories right now as they wait for us to join the fun.   It's hard to think about how quickly time flies in one breath and in the next I'm so ready to see those sweet faces that have gone ahead of me.  Time waits for no one...it marches on and continues whether we are ready or not.  

In this busy season of my life the Lord has been heavy on my heart to rest and reflect.  What is the pace for...is it for Him...does He get the glory?  The truth is if He doesn't then why am I letting any time slip through my hands for it?  I truly believe God brings this reflection so that we do live intentionally for Him and His purpose and not our own.  I want my precious girls to always see that their momma did all she did for them and for Him.  If I'm not fulfilling that then what am I fulfilling?  Is it worth the time that is so quickly slipping through my fingers.  

Lord today I pray for discernment, clarity and purpose.  Thank you for ALWAYS speaking right to my heart exactly when I need it most.  In the quiet still moments Father I long to only hear your voice.  Thank you for the clarity that comes with that.  May your plan always be all that I seek and only for your glory!

Psalm 86:12

I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart, And will glorify Your name forever.

Praying for Perry

Behind every dark cloud there is a silver lining of hope!

Gosh there have been so many thoughts going through my head these last several days.  There has been turmoil in our nation and in our state.  There has been division and disappointment.  There has been a searching for answers and explanation when sometimes there really just isn't any.  My thoughts though have been around the healing power of a sweet and holy God who loves us through all of our imperfections.  He loves us when we make the wrong choices...He loves us when we choose to base opinions and blame on everything but love...He loves us when we fall short...in fact He doesn't just love us...He carries us.
I was especially struck this week by the overwhelming grief that has gripped our nation.  From the tragedy in Dallas to the senseless acts of violence in Louisiana and Minnesota we are hurting...we are grieving...and we are looking for healing in all of the wrong places.  We are depending on retaliation and earthly judgement for our healing when really what our nation needs is the One True Healer...Jesus Christ.  Our God is the ultimate healer.  He longs to wrap His loving arms around us and heal our grief...soothe our broken hearts.  We all fall short, but where we fall the most short is in not seeking Him above all else.  This is what I will pray for our nation and this world is that we solely seek Him and His divine healing powers above all else.  No march...no earthly unification...no singling out what lives matter versus another will ever bring us to the eternal healing that only Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, will bring.  He calls us to do all things in love...period...nothing else...follow Him and do all things through a loving heart.  Let's break that down.  Do you think that any act of violence...any mass shooting...any profiling whether based on race or choice of profession is ever done from a loving heart.  I boldly say NO...not the kind of loving peaceful heart that our God calls us to.  I choose to lay my battles at the feet of a God who is far mightier than me...who has already won and fought the battle...I choose Him and Him alone for all my earthly battles and friends there is more freedom in that than I could ever put into words.
The other thoughts that have been heavily occupying my mind this week is the struggle Perry Noble, his family, and New Spring Church have been going through.  Ugh my heart just breaks for all of them.  Perry is a good man...did he make mistakes...yes, but you give me one person that hasn't and I will drop the mic and walk away...newsflash...this mic isn't dropping anytime soon.  WE ALL FALL SHORT...EVERY.LAST.ONE.OF.US.  I am no better than Perry Noble, as a matter of fact, his struggle has made me take a long hard look at my own struggle.  I too find myself using alcohol to celebrate...to commiserate...to blow off a hard day...to "cope" with the day to day struggle of stress and life and everything that scurries through this constantly running mind on a day to day basis.  I have at times allowed it to impair my judgement....I have allowed it to occupy a space that I should have clearly asked the Lord to pour in to.  The difference is, thankfully for me, I don't head a successful multi-site huge mega church.  I get to live my sin in the shadows of anonymity...convincing myself that no one will ever be the wiser because instead of facing it head on I have learned to work around this "little" sinful habit of mine.  I don't think the consumption of alcohol is a sin...not in the least little bit...what I do believe is the sin is the excess...the allowing alcohol to take the place and fill the spot that only my God should fill.  That's all me...that's not the alcohol.  The alcohol didn't walk up to me at that dinner and persuade me to drink more than that one glass I should have...that's me...that's my conscious sinful choice.   There is where the microphone drops.  That.is.real.life.truth.  Perry Noble needs our prayers...I need prayer...many many people need our intercession on their behalf to a healing loving God.  I haven't attended New Spring, but I have people I love more than myself that have and have been changed forever because God used Perry Noble to show that even an imperfect servant is still a servant...God doesn't choose the most perfectly qualified disciples...He chooses the disciples that everyone is going to look at and say "yeah that has to be ALL God!"  It is all for His glory...every.last.bit!
So today I am praying for Perry...I am praying for his family...I am praying for New Spring Church...most importantly I am praying for all the people out there, myself included, who can recognize themselves in Perry Noble and are given the freedom to not live in fear of their sins being seen, but live in the knowledge of a loving healing God who longs for nothing more than to wrap us in His arms and tell us He loves us despite that sin.  

The take home is do EVERYTHING with a Jesus like loving heart.  The rest will all fall into place.  No judgement...no backs turned...

1 Corinthians 13:13  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

Accomplishing it all through His strength

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work (1 Corinthians 12:4-6).

If we allow other people to tell us what we are and are not qualified to do, we will limit what God wants to do through us.

Why? Because ...

Those God calls, He qualifies!

If we are going to forge new paths, unleash new ideas and create new pipelines, then we must trust God to qualify us for the purpose to which He has called us. Today, don’t limit yourself by your ability; ask God to give you His!

This devotional spoke volumes to me this morning.  Ellie's passing has been heavy on my heart.  When I think of Ellie I think of a woman who allowed God to use her exactly where He wanted her.  It never had a thing to do with her own ambition but truly came from a servant heart that longed to fulfill God's purpose in serving others.  What a testimony.  

Being at the Optum conference this week, mourning Ellie, and allowing people who don't deserve space in my head to occupy valuable space has ignited a renewed fire and passion for what I know God has laid on my heart.  There are two God given people in my life right now that are His conduit for that passion.  

Palliative care and pediatric patients effected by chronic complex conditions are those two passions and desires in my heart.  I know that God has put the three of us together not by chance but for a purpose.  (I actually think there are many purposes and I can't tell you how much I value these two blessings in my life both professionally and personally.  I thank God for that everyday.  I hope they know how much I'm humbled by them for having an open heart and allowing Him to use them in my life.)

Here are two things I know.  Pediatrics and palliative care will be on my trajectory again.  It will look different and take me to places outside of this beautiful state but it will happen and I know that through His purpose it will develop into a national center of excellence to make sure that every child and palliative care patient gets the services necessary to make their trajectory the best it can be. This won't happen because of anything we do, but because God will allow it to happen and we will be willing servants to humbly have His work to happen through us.  It will happen not to prove a point, but because there are precious children and families who are not being served otherwise.  

The same is true for palliative care.  I wholeheartedly believe that palliative care is the gateway (the flood gate) to raising awareness and a comfort level for hospice care.  I saw it with what I was blessed to do with my previous job.  When we rolled out palliative care the amount of patients and families we served literally quadrupled.  Literally quadrupled...God lit that path with beams of light...He was ALL OVER that and through His guidance and grace we served so many families and patients even when personally I was falling completely apart.  

That is the other piece of this that I know so well.  The devil works hard.  He works hard to kill, steal, and destroy.  He works hard to have us focus on anything other than God's purpose and plan.   

Today this devotional provided me a new piece of wood for that fire.  The Lord used it to speak that last sentence to my heart...deep to the core...Today, don't limit yourself by your ability; ask God to give you His!

We are called according to His purpose....and therefore all things (all things...good, bad, all dem) work together for GOOD!   What we have before  us is His...it is to have a servant heart...it is to use His strength and accomplish amazing things for HIS GLORY and nothing less!  

#renewedpassionandpurpose #godgivenstrength #toHimbetheglory

Humility

It never ceases to amaze me how well my Father knows me.  He knows exactly what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear it.  Of course He does...I'm His...he formed me before anyone even knew I would exist.  He knows the workings of my mind...the ones I wouldn't even let my closest loves know...the weaknesses and the places I struggle...the many places that I fall short.  Yet He loves me and pursues me anyway.   He loves me enough to put His words in front of me at the moment when I need them most.  

I need a message of humility today.  I need to remember that all things good come from Him.  I needed to be reminded that I'm not the savior...He is.  Anything that I accomplish is because of Him...because of His grace.  In reading my devotion today...which I haven't done in a month and a week... He beautifully painted a picture of His humble example. The Father of creation humbly sent His only son to come to earth and live among men.  He came not as an earthly king, but as a teacher...as a servant...He looked for ways to serve the least of these...and He did it in a way that illustrates the true heart of Christ.  Paul's letter to the Philippians so eloquently spoke of Christ's example of humility.  Paul speaks of how through love and the Holy Spirit that dwells within us that we should do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.  In humility we should count others more significant than ourselves.  In verses 2:5-8 Paul writes, "have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Just reading these words again as I write this blog humbles me.  So many things about that passage pierce my soul.  He is the son of God...SON.OF.GOD...yet when he took on human form and he came as a servant.  He.came.to.serve!  He didn't come to be served.  He wasn't selfish...he wasn't out for personal gain...he didn't tell everyone how amazing he was...he made sure everyone knew how amazing his Father was.  He knew his purpose for his Father and he did whatever it took...to the point of death...to fulfill that purpose.  

So yeah...microphone dropped.  

Who am I...

I am a wife...I am a momma...I am a daughter...granddaughter...niece...sister...friend...nurse...BUT no matter any of these titles I am a daughter of The King.  

I say that with the desire to have humility...not self righteousness...not entitlement but true humility.  He loves me.  He loves me however many times I don't make the right choice...however many times I lose my way because I am not focused on Him.  

I have been talking lately a lot about the struggle being real but you know what...it's really not.  I am His...He is capable of immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine...the end...there's no struggle there...just a whole lot of love, truth, and grace...abundant grace.  

Thank you Lord for that simple and overwhelming truth.  You are a GOOD GOOD FATHER!

#humility #lovetheLordwithallyouare #grace

Reflections of God's Calling

We often wonder what is our purpose...what are we doing with our time here...

I knew several years ago that truly God had a calling on my life that I would have never had guessed.  I knew that I was meant to care for the ones who were suffering...I was meant to play a part in easing that suffering and to prayerfully  shine the light of His grace and glory even through pain and hopelessness.   There have been times that I have questioned...why me...why would you chose me Lord...I am so flawed and so prideful at times.   Why would you chose this flawed women to play any part in the story of families who are aching and hurting and longing for purpose in a story that so strongly reflects dire pain and agony?  This is where faith comes in...faith in a purpose so much bigger than me...so much more than anything I could ask or imagine.  I have humbly walked alongside parents who have watched their precious babies be welcomed into the arms of a Savior in heaven.  They have cradled and cried...they have embraced gratitude in the face of the release from suffering.  This is grace...this is love...this is faith...this is a love beyond all understanding.   

I often stand in the early morning hours and stare at my girls.  I stare at them sleeping and think how blessed am I?  What did I do?  The reality is I didn't do anything.  I was blessed.  There are many times that I have stood in that sacred space with a family that is releasing their child into the arms of our savior and wondered...what makes them different?  Why them...why not me?  There isn't an answer.   This is where belief in God's divine plan comes into play.  He knows...He knows what I cannot even begin to wrap my head around.  So in this reflection of a calling I say thank you....thank you for allowing me to occupy the space.   Thank you for trusting me...thank you for trusting Him.  You...your sweet precious angel...your family...your story has impacted me more than I could ever express.  So a simple thank you is all I have.  

#blessedandthankful #calling #morethanaprofession #hpm

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