Tears upon tears upon tears

Tonight I cried...I cried and I cried and I cried.  I probably cried more than I have cried in a very long time.  Madie took her first trip to Greenwood by herself.  She was supposed to being going ahead with two of her friends that want to go to Lander with her and we were going to follow up a little later to meet them there, but things happen.  Things happened today...it took me an hour and a half to get to Folly and I was exhausted.   I didn't get in from my Biloxi trip until 11:30pm last night and well to put it mildly my body has had enough.  Between flights and bronchitis and stress and babies being seniors and moving and all the feelings I couldn't go another step.  I called Madie...I called my grandmother...I called Landry...Dennie and I talked and it was decided that we would let Madie do this trip on her own (staying with my sweet Sally Faye of course) and we wouldn't go...we would stay behind.  I convinced myself that this was what I wanted.  I needed the rest...my body did...my mind did...and soon enough she would be doing this on her own all of the time.  But those things are easier said than done.
In 195 days my girl will be graduating from high school...in 274 days she will starting classes as a freshman in college...
I have to pause here because this is what brings the tears.   
Tonight I sat on this screened porch and listened to the waves pound on the shore and I cried.  I cried for how proud I am of that baby of mine.  The amazing young woman she has become...the fact that when it really comes down to it I am not worried for her.  She is brave and smart and head strong and persistent and marches to her own beat and loves fiercely and defends even more fiercely.  She is her mother's daughter.  She has my eyes and my spirit and my mouth and my hard head and my heart for those less fortunate than her.   She has a heart to help and lead and doubt and wonder and fiercely love.    How did I get to be her momma.  When we think back on being 20 and 22 and finding out we were having her...not on our time but definitely in His plan...not when we were ready or prepared but when He knew we needed her....I am so very humbled.  I was chosen to be her momma and what an honor and privilege and struggle and joy it has been to watch her grow.  
Plain and simple...honest and true...I am not ready.  
I sobbed to Dennie on this porch that fact.  We reminisced about all the adventures when she was little.  We thought about our time in our little rental house sneaking back to watch her play at 18mos in her closet with her McDonald's play set...knowing fries would always be her food of choice.  We thought about when we didn't have two pennies to rub together but we got together enough money to take her to Disney World right before her 3rd birthday (so she would get in free).  She was so sick right before that trip...she spent 3 nights in the hospital and it was one of the scariest moments in our lives.  But as always she played by her own rules.  She didn't let a little hospital keep her out of Disney.  We laughed through tears as we thought about her telling Mrs. Frazier, her kindergarten teacher, that we were poor and didn't have enough money to go to the grocery store all because she didn't get potato chips packed in her lunch.  She has been our biggest challenge, our greatest joy, and our best version of us...she and Landry are by far the most amazing things we ever did.  No matter how imperfect we are God gave those two perfect angels to us.   There is no greater gift.  
Tonight...through the tears of joy and pain...through the memories...I am thankful.  I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I will ever know myself.  He knows the pain in my heart that at the same time brings me my most precious joy.  That precious red headed is one of two of my greatest accomplishments.   She will forever be my baby....

Praise you through this storm

I am pretty sure in one of these rambling blog posts I have talked about how I continue to pat God on the shoulder and say "Thanks for that advice...but here's my plan."  I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed and I am so grateful that God continues to love this hard headed sinner.  The old saying that we make our own beds and have to lay in them is so true, and boy is that painful sometimes.  But what I do know is that through the pain comes growth...through the pain comes a realization that He is in control and for that I will ALWAYS be thankful.  Even when this brings my shortcomings to the forefront like a beacon of light, and I have to face the proverbial music of my choices.  It hurts...it sucks (for lack of a better term)...but it is so necessary.  Fear is a huge factor that drives a lot of my decisions.  What will I be missing if I give this or that up...how could this or that possibly be right for me....the fear of the unknown is a real struggle.  Okay so I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but God didn't create a fool even when my actions may beg to differ.  I consciously make decisions for the flesh and not for the Father and this morning I poured over my devotional and bible and cried to my Father for forgiveness and a heart to turn away from choices that are completely of this world and not for His kingdom.  I heard some pretty blunt and forceful words on obedience from Him today.  I needed it...I needed those words that were not flowery or cushioned for this hard head.  He knows me...He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it and I am so thankful....even when it hurts.  I will praise Him through this storm...because He deserves nothing less and even when it hurts the praise is all due to Him.  
My fears are of this world and have no place in God's kingdom work.  In Matthew 16:21-28 Jesus is telling His disciples of His impending torture and death.  Peter comes to Him and begins to rebuke Him claiming that he will not let this happen.  I feel you Peter...I would have been like..."I will cut somebody Lord!  They will NOT do those things to you!!"  But what Jesus says to Peter cuts me to the core.  He tells Peter to get behind Him because he is acting as a stumbling block to God's Holy work.  He tells Peter that his concerns are merely human concerns and not the concerns of God.  Let's just digest that...
Who has all the feelings for Peter...I have both hands raised right now.  How many times have we gotten on our righteous horse and claimed it for God's glory?  Yikes...like I can't even count those times on all my fingers and toes...
It's NOT OUR PLAN!  The plan is His alone and our place in that is obedience.  OBEDIENCE to listen for His calling...His game plan.  That's all because NEWSFLASH...He has already won the battle.  We get to live in a place of victory through Him everyday regardless of our present circumstances.  Now that doesn't mean it's all jump castles and pony rides...oh to the contrary.  We are not living in our perfect heaven yet...we live in a very flawed world...where flesh reigns and everyday is a struggle, but the freedom comes in the fact that this doesn't have to illicit fear and disobedience.  
So yeah...hard and deep...this was hard and deep, but so necessary.  It was necessary for me to pour these words on this screen for my own soul, but also because I hear God's calling to shine this amazing light for our world right now.  We live in very uncertain times.  Times that are filled with hatred and wickedness.   Every time we turn on the news or fire up our social media we are bombarded with this flesh soaked world...all the evil and wickedness we could ever handle.  Now more than ever we need to live in this space with God and walk in obedience with Him...not be the stumbling block our self righteous hearts long to be.  

Lord thank you so much for laying this truth and these words on my heart today.  Thank you for your lesson in obedience this morning.  It was hard and I cried, but in the end the renewal in my spirit and heart to live fully for you is beyond measure.  I love you Lord!   

Forgiven

I came to a conclusion this morning...I am the daughter of a Father in heaven who knows His girl way better than she knows herself....I know I know this is not some big revelation.  I think I just forget to remember that when I am burning the candle at both ends.  I am not strong...except through Him...I am not patient...except through Him...I am not still...except when I am WITH HIM.  

This morning I was still.  I sat on this porch and listened to the waves crash and observed His magnificent glory beautifully painted in front of me.  I did my devotional and filled my cup with His words.  I haven't done this in months...and I am not just talking the fact that I am getting the pleasure of sitting on a screen porch looking at the ocean...I am talking I have not spent intentional time with my Father in months.  I have let the rush of the day....the flesh of my wants....and the never ending to do list get in front of exactly what my soul needs and desires.  

Today my devotional centered on Luke 23:26-43.  These verses describe the scene when Jesus was led away carrying the cross.  This part of Jesus' story always pains and renews me at the same time.  It reminds me, that just like the criminal in the story who confesses his crimes and asks Jesus to remember him when going into His kingdom, we are forgiven by simply confessing and allowing Jesus to live and dwell in everything we say and do....following Him with all we are.  Not following a set of legalistic rules...not "performing" as every good Christian should...not bound by fear of retribution for our wrongs...JUST GRACE...not our grace (whoa that would be bad) BUT BY HIS GRACE ALONE!  That is the renewing part of that story, and while the acknowledgement of Jesus hanging on that cross and being persecuted for my freedom and nothing He did is painful and humbling, there is such freedom and grace in His story.  He wrongfully hung on a cross for crimes He didn't commit and did so knowingly...knowing long before this ever took place that He came here to die in this way to save us.  There is NO GREATER LOVE...PERIOD. For this love and grace I am eternally thankful and renewed.  Thank you Lord for your love and grace---to you be ALL the glory!  
Take freedom in knowing this love, peace, and renewal in your life....it is beyond any words I could ever write on this page.

Not Perfect...Just Forgiven!

I love social media...okay so you can say it...thank you for that revelation Captain Obvious...but truly I do.  It is a way to keep in touch with people no matter the distance, it's a way to share joy and sorrow, express congratulation and condolence, more importantly it's an enormous platform to share the love of a precious Father.  But you know what else it is...or can be...the devil's playground.  It provides the same platform for people to feel less than, attacked, singled out, jealous, and discontent.  I felt the Lord speaking to me today to be very transparent.  What do we (for the most part) put on social media?  The filter...

We take 5 pics until we get the right one or we post the successes without all the failures that led up to that success.  It's kind of like when you hear a new music artist and it's easy to think gosh they're so lucky, but we don't think about all the years of hard work and struggle it took to get there. It's easy to forget about that when we see the one perfectly filtered and timed picture in front of us.  But the beauty in this is the God sees us through that filter everyday.  We're not lucky...we are forgiven.  I can promise that my people would tell you that there are many times that the witch with a B is front and center. I'm tired and short tempered...I want space when they already haven't had enough of my time...I want a clean and tidy house when I get home with no regard for what their week has looked like...there is a passion in me that sometimes...okay lots of times...comes across as fiery and bossy BUT I AM FORGIVEN...I am not perfect but He is and loves exactly who He made me to be...He sees me through the filter of a Father's love and there is no love more perfect.  The struggle is real y'all and I'm just #crazythankful for forgiveness.  Really the point to this post wasn't to point out all...oh believe me there are more...my faults but to truly and loudly proclaim His love for us regardless.  I hope you experience the same freedom I do just from reading those words.  Thank oh Lord for putting them on my heart this morning.  

Georgia is officially off my mind...

What's on my mind is our little piece of history.  Our home...11 years of great memories...great neighbors...parties...heartache...laughter...lots and lots of laughter...mainly family and love.  102 Harvest Moon has given us the best 11 years we could have asked for.  We've potty trained...we've argued and cried and hugged...we've taken off training wheels...we've generally lived a life that would fill any cup.  But on Monday we say goodbye.  We hand our sweet home sweet home over to a new family.  It's bittersweet.  It's exciting and it's sad all in the same ragged breath.
Our girls have spent 11 years of their 17 and almost 13 growing and thriving in this home.  There are so many sweet memories here.  Madie will go away to school in 10 short months...Landry will be in the 8th grade...life changes....we are in constant movement and I'm so very humbled and thankful for this beautiful messy life.
On Monday we say goodbye to our sweet home and hello to a little slice of Folly paradise.  We spend two months living in one of our favorite places and I can't help but think that God has blessed us with this opportunity to live in this 700 square foot cottage to be close and spend this time together.  We are all so busy and sometimes lose sight of just how blessed we are to have each other.
On this flight back to my people and my Carolina, as I listen to Ray Charles talk about Georgia on his mind, I humbly thank my sweet Father for these very precious moments that I will forever cherish.
On to the next chapter for this sweet little life we share and maintain these McDaniels.

#parkcircleherewecome #butfollyfirst #bigyearforthemcdanielfam #goodbye102

Same in any language...

Today I'm boarding another flight and looking at another screen as the flight crew goes over necessary safety information.  I'm being an insubordinate flyer...I'm not listening....I'm drowning the instructions out with my headphones in and Audible in my ear.  I know this information...I've heard it a thousand times and so why should I continue to listen every time I fly...my book is far more interesting.  

This made me think about what I do with the Father on a pretty consistent basis.  I chose to block out His whispers for time with him for all the other things.  I tell myself I've read that devotional...I've done that bible study...I've listened to that podcast...I'm busy...I have work to accomplish...I have so much going on in general...God knows my heart (He does) and He knows this is a busy season for me and my love for Him has not waned.  The reasoning goes on and on, yet like everything else time is love and time spent with Him is not what His soul needs...it is what mine needs and longs for.  

I have spent the better part of this year in fast forward, and for the most part my earthly flesh has loved every minute of it.  That's a hard pill to swallow and even harder words to write across this screen.  That's insubordination to my own soul and to a Father who asks for nothing but my heart.  It's no wonder that I've not slept well, been stressed, gained 20 lbs, and been running on fumes...the best part of my cup has not been filled and I've done a lot of soul neglecting.  The struggle has been real and I've been ignoring the instructions.  These instructions come in any language I could ever want to read them in and are without a doubt the most uncomplicated instructions we will ever be given.  BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.  His word is full of simple instruction...we are His and He loves us no matter the season or circumstance.  PERIOD...there's no catch...no small print...nada...nothing...just a Father and His precious child who He formed.  He knew the paths I would take...knows this hard head and brain that never stops...knew that I would require more than a whisper sometimes.  Today sitting on this plane He spoke LOUD and CLEAR...YOU need time with me!  Note He didn't say I need time with you.  He is the patient one...He is the one who waits for His insubordinate child to listen to His calling for my own good.  Today I heard Him...I took the time to listen and I prayed that He would fill my heart and mind with His words and wants and not those of my earthly flesh.  It's against the grain and soul soaking, but exactly what this daughter of the King should be asking for.  

Thank you Lord for knowing and loving your girl.  You're a GOOD GOOD Father!  

Rest for the Soul

I have discovered...okay I really already knew...that I have not been a very good listener up until this point.  I like to debate...I like to think about what I will say without really listening to what is being said to me first...I like to be right.  That's what being a Type A, perfectionist, high achiever maniac will get you. So this brings me to the beautiful scripture on this amazing picture I took this morning while walking on Folly Beach with my girls.  I need rest...I need to actively listen to the Lord...I need to hear his call for some peace and quiet in my life.  I need to get back to my quiet time with him and making time to really listen to his calling and quite my voice in my own head.  I have been running and running and running until finally something had to give.  So let's be honest...I have to work...I love my many jobs...I love my role as mom and wife and support for the ones I love.  So many big things are happening this year.  It is the beginning of senior year for Madie...Landry is starting 7th grade...Dennie is entering his second year as head football coach and athletic director...I have a challenging and rewarding job that keeps me away from home a lot...we are selling our house...we are building a new one...the list goes on and on.  And then there are the things I haven't made time for...I have hardly gone to church all summer...I have cooked maybe 4 meals for my family all summer...I have been in my war room maybe three times...and to be truthful all three of those times were when I was on my knees crying out to my precious Father to help me figure all of those things listed above out.  It wasn't time spent praising Him.  It wasn't time truly listening to His calling...truly hearing the words He was speaking to my soul.  
Melissa and I started the podcast as a way to connect to one another and provide encouragement and community for women and I really think we did that.  We are proud of what the Lord used us to do...we hope that someone was touched by what the Lord spoke to them through us, but we feel like right now he is calling us to a season of rest.  We know just as with every other season there will be rebirth.  We are hoping for a rebirth through rest.  We are going to take a break and focus on our families for a while...truly pour into the lives that the Lord has blessed us with.  We won't be gone forever...these Two Small Town Girls will be back...we just know right now with the start of school and football and new life adventures we must listen to His calling and hit pause for a little while.  We will continue to post on our social media platforms and maybe even blog here and there, but for right now...for this season...there won't be any new podcasts.  Thank you so much to all of you who supported our crazy idea...and we hope you continue to do so.  We hope when this hiatus is over that we will be back refreshed and better than ever.  We trust in the Lord that His plan is perfect...it is Divine and His calling is always just right.  Thank you sweet supporters for loving us through every season...