Tears upon tears upon tears

Tonight I cried...I cried and I cried and I cried.  I probably cried more than I have cried in a very long time.  Madie took her first trip to Greenwood by herself.  She was supposed to being going ahead with two of her friends that want to go to Lander with her and we were going to follow up a little later to meet them there, but things happen.  Things happened today...it took me an hour and a half to get to Folly and I was exhausted.   I didn't get in from my Biloxi trip until 11:30pm last night and well to put it mildly my body has had enough.  Between flights and bronchitis and stress and babies being seniors and moving and all the feelings I couldn't go another step.  I called Madie...I called my grandmother...I called Landry...Dennie and I talked and it was decided that we would let Madie do this trip on her own (staying with my sweet Sally Faye of course) and we wouldn't go...we would stay behind.  I convinced myself that this was what I wanted.  I needed the rest...my body did...my mind did...and soon enough she would be doing this on her own all of the time.  But those things are easier said than done.
In 195 days my girl will be graduating from high school...in 274 days she will starting classes as a freshman in college...
I have to pause here because this is what brings the tears.   
Tonight I sat on this screened porch and listened to the waves pound on the shore and I cried.  I cried for how proud I am of that baby of mine.  The amazing young woman she has become...the fact that when it really comes down to it I am not worried for her.  She is brave and smart and head strong and persistent and marches to her own beat and loves fiercely and defends even more fiercely.  She is her mother's daughter.  She has my eyes and my spirit and my mouth and my hard head and my heart for those less fortunate than her.   She has a heart to help and lead and doubt and wonder and fiercely love.    How did I get to be her momma.  When we think back on being 20 and 22 and finding out we were having her...not on our time but definitely in His plan...not when we were ready or prepared but when He knew we needed her....I am so very humbled.  I was chosen to be her momma and what an honor and privilege and struggle and joy it has been to watch her grow.  
Plain and simple...honest and true...I am not ready.  
I sobbed to Dennie on this porch that fact.  We reminisced about all the adventures when she was little.  We thought about our time in our little rental house sneaking back to watch her play at 18mos in her closet with her McDonald's play set...knowing fries would always be her food of choice.  We thought about when we didn't have two pennies to rub together but we got together enough money to take her to Disney World right before her 3rd birthday (so she would get in free).  She was so sick right before that trip...she spent 3 nights in the hospital and it was one of the scariest moments in our lives.  But as always she played by her own rules.  She didn't let a little hospital keep her out of Disney.  We laughed through tears as we thought about her telling Mrs. Frazier, her kindergarten teacher, that we were poor and didn't have enough money to go to the grocery store all because she didn't get potato chips packed in her lunch.  She has been our biggest challenge, our greatest joy, and our best version of us...she and Landry are by far the most amazing things we ever did.  No matter how imperfect we are God gave those two perfect angels to us.   There is no greater gift.  
Tonight...through the tears of joy and pain...through the memories...I am thankful.  I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I will ever know myself.  He knows the pain in my heart that at the same time brings me my most precious joy.  That precious red headed is one of two of my greatest accomplishments.   She will forever be my baby....

Praise you through this storm

I am pretty sure in one of these rambling blog posts I have talked about how I continue to pat God on the shoulder and say "Thanks for that advice...but here's my plan."  I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed and I am so grateful that God continues to love this hard headed sinner.  The old saying that we make our own beds and have to lay in them is so true, and boy is that painful sometimes.  But what I do know is that through the pain comes growth...through the pain comes a realization that He is in control and for that I will ALWAYS be thankful.  Even when this brings my shortcomings to the forefront like a beacon of light, and I have to face the proverbial music of my choices.  It hurts...it sucks (for lack of a better term)...but it is so necessary.  Fear is a huge factor that drives a lot of my decisions.  What will I be missing if I give this or that up...how could this or that possibly be right for me....the fear of the unknown is a real struggle.  Okay so I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but God didn't create a fool even when my actions may beg to differ.  I consciously make decisions for the flesh and not for the Father and this morning I poured over my devotional and bible and cried to my Father for forgiveness and a heart to turn away from choices that are completely of this world and not for His kingdom.  I heard some pretty blunt and forceful words on obedience from Him today.  I needed it...I needed those words that were not flowery or cushioned for this hard head.  He knows me...He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it and I am so thankful....even when it hurts.  I will praise Him through this storm...because He deserves nothing less and even when it hurts the praise is all due to Him.  
My fears are of this world and have no place in God's kingdom work.  In Matthew 16:21-28 Jesus is telling His disciples of His impending torture and death.  Peter comes to Him and begins to rebuke Him claiming that he will not let this happen.  I feel you Peter...I would have been like..."I will cut somebody Lord!  They will NOT do those things to you!!"  But what Jesus says to Peter cuts me to the core.  He tells Peter to get behind Him because he is acting as a stumbling block to God's Holy work.  He tells Peter that his concerns are merely human concerns and not the concerns of God.  Let's just digest that...
Who has all the feelings for Peter...I have both hands raised right now.  How many times have we gotten on our righteous horse and claimed it for God's glory?  Yikes...like I can't even count those times on all my fingers and toes...
It's NOT OUR PLAN!  The plan is His alone and our place in that is obedience.  OBEDIENCE to listen for His calling...His game plan.  That's all because NEWSFLASH...He has already won the battle.  We get to live in a place of victory through Him everyday regardless of our present circumstances.  Now that doesn't mean it's all jump castles and pony rides...oh to the contrary.  We are not living in our perfect heaven yet...we live in a very flawed world...where flesh reigns and everyday is a struggle, but the freedom comes in the fact that this doesn't have to illicit fear and disobedience.  
So yeah...hard and deep...this was hard and deep, but so necessary.  It was necessary for me to pour these words on this screen for my own soul, but also because I hear God's calling to shine this amazing light for our world right now.  We live in very uncertain times.  Times that are filled with hatred and wickedness.   Every time we turn on the news or fire up our social media we are bombarded with this flesh soaked world...all the evil and wickedness we could ever handle.  Now more than ever we need to live in this space with God and walk in obedience with Him...not be the stumbling block our self righteous hearts long to be.  

Lord thank you so much for laying this truth and these words on my heart today.  Thank you for your lesson in obedience this morning.  It was hard and I cried, but in the end the renewal in my spirit and heart to live fully for you is beyond measure.  I love you Lord!   

Forgiven

I came to a conclusion this morning...I am the daughter of a Father in heaven who knows His girl way better than she knows herself....I know I know this is not some big revelation.  I think I just forget to remember that when I am burning the candle at both ends.  I am not strong...except through Him...I am not patient...except through Him...I am not still...except when I am WITH HIM.  

This morning I was still.  I sat on this porch and listened to the waves crash and observed His magnificent glory beautifully painted in front of me.  I did my devotional and filled my cup with His words.  I haven't done this in months...and I am not just talking the fact that I am getting the pleasure of sitting on a screen porch looking at the ocean...I am talking I have not spent intentional time with my Father in months.  I have let the rush of the day....the flesh of my wants....and the never ending to do list get in front of exactly what my soul needs and desires.  

Today my devotional centered on Luke 23:26-43.  These verses describe the scene when Jesus was led away carrying the cross.  This part of Jesus' story always pains and renews me at the same time.  It reminds me, that just like the criminal in the story who confesses his crimes and asks Jesus to remember him when going into His kingdom, we are forgiven by simply confessing and allowing Jesus to live and dwell in everything we say and do....following Him with all we are.  Not following a set of legalistic rules...not "performing" as every good Christian should...not bound by fear of retribution for our wrongs...JUST GRACE...not our grace (whoa that would be bad) BUT BY HIS GRACE ALONE!  That is the renewing part of that story, and while the acknowledgement of Jesus hanging on that cross and being persecuted for my freedom and nothing He did is painful and humbling, there is such freedom and grace in His story.  He wrongfully hung on a cross for crimes He didn't commit and did so knowingly...knowing long before this ever took place that He came here to die in this way to save us.  There is NO GREATER LOVE...PERIOD. For this love and grace I am eternally thankful and renewed.  Thank you Lord for your love and grace---to you be ALL the glory!  
Take freedom in knowing this love, peace, and renewal in your life....it is beyond any words I could ever write on this page.

Not Perfect...Just Forgiven!

I love social media...okay so you can say it...thank you for that revelation Captain Obvious...but truly I do.  It is a way to keep in touch with people no matter the distance, it's a way to share joy and sorrow, express congratulation and condolence, more importantly it's an enormous platform to share the love of a precious Father.  But you know what else it is...or can be...the devil's playground.  It provides the same platform for people to feel less than, attacked, singled out, jealous, and discontent.  I felt the Lord speaking to me today to be very transparent.  What do we (for the most part) put on social media?  The filter...

We take 5 pics until we get the right one or we post the successes without all the failures that led up to that success.  It's kind of like when you hear a new music artist and it's easy to think gosh they're so lucky, but we don't think about all the years of hard work and struggle it took to get there. It's easy to forget about that when we see the one perfectly filtered and timed picture in front of us.  But the beauty in this is the God sees us through that filter everyday.  We're not lucky...we are forgiven.  I can promise that my people would tell you that there are many times that the witch with a B is front and center. I'm tired and short tempered...I want space when they already haven't had enough of my time...I want a clean and tidy house when I get home with no regard for what their week has looked like...there is a passion in me that sometimes...okay lots of times...comes across as fiery and bossy BUT I AM FORGIVEN...I am not perfect but He is and loves exactly who He made me to be...He sees me through the filter of a Father's love and there is no love more perfect.  The struggle is real y'all and I'm just #crazythankful for forgiveness.  Really the point to this post wasn't to point out all...oh believe me there are more...my faults but to truly and loudly proclaim His love for us regardless.  I hope you experience the same freedom I do just from reading those words.  Thank oh Lord for putting them on my heart this morning.  

Georgia is officially off my mind...

What's on my mind is our little piece of history.  Our home...11 years of great memories...great neighbors...parties...heartache...laughter...lots and lots of laughter...mainly family and love.  102 Harvest Moon has given us the best 11 years we could have asked for.  We've potty trained...we've argued and cried and hugged...we've taken off training wheels...we've generally lived a life that would fill any cup.  But on Monday we say goodbye.  We hand our sweet home sweet home over to a new family.  It's bittersweet.  It's exciting and it's sad all in the same ragged breath.
Our girls have spent 11 years of their 17 and almost 13 growing and thriving in this home.  There are so many sweet memories here.  Madie will go away to school in 10 short months...Landry will be in the 8th grade...life changes....we are in constant movement and I'm so very humbled and thankful for this beautiful messy life.
On Monday we say goodbye to our sweet home and hello to a little slice of Folly paradise.  We spend two months living in one of our favorite places and I can't help but think that God has blessed us with this opportunity to live in this 700 square foot cottage to be close and spend this time together.  We are all so busy and sometimes lose sight of just how blessed we are to have each other.
On this flight back to my people and my Carolina, as I listen to Ray Charles talk about Georgia on his mind, I humbly thank my sweet Father for these very precious moments that I will forever cherish.
On to the next chapter for this sweet little life we share and maintain these McDaniels.

#parkcircleherewecome #butfollyfirst #bigyearforthemcdanielfam #goodbye102

Same in any language...

Today I'm boarding another flight and looking at another screen as the flight crew goes over necessary safety information.  I'm being an insubordinate flyer...I'm not listening....I'm drowning the instructions out with my headphones in and Audible in my ear.  I know this information...I've heard it a thousand times and so why should I continue to listen every time I fly...my book is far more interesting.  

This made me think about what I do with the Father on a pretty consistent basis.  I chose to block out His whispers for time with him for all the other things.  I tell myself I've read that devotional...I've done that bible study...I've listened to that podcast...I'm busy...I have work to accomplish...I have so much going on in general...God knows my heart (He does) and He knows this is a busy season for me and my love for Him has not waned.  The reasoning goes on and on, yet like everything else time is love and time spent with Him is not what His soul needs...it is what mine needs and longs for.  

I have spent the better part of this year in fast forward, and for the most part my earthly flesh has loved every minute of it.  That's a hard pill to swallow and even harder words to write across this screen.  That's insubordination to my own soul and to a Father who asks for nothing but my heart.  It's no wonder that I've not slept well, been stressed, gained 20 lbs, and been running on fumes...the best part of my cup has not been filled and I've done a lot of soul neglecting.  The struggle has been real and I've been ignoring the instructions.  These instructions come in any language I could ever want to read them in and are without a doubt the most uncomplicated instructions we will ever be given.  BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.  His word is full of simple instruction...we are His and He loves us no matter the season or circumstance.  PERIOD...there's no catch...no small print...nada...nothing...just a Father and His precious child who He formed.  He knew the paths I would take...knows this hard head and brain that never stops...knew that I would require more than a whisper sometimes.  Today sitting on this plane He spoke LOUD and CLEAR...YOU need time with me!  Note He didn't say I need time with you.  He is the patient one...He is the one who waits for His insubordinate child to listen to His calling for my own good.  Today I heard Him...I took the time to listen and I prayed that He would fill my heart and mind with His words and wants and not those of my earthly flesh.  It's against the grain and soul soaking, but exactly what this daughter of the King should be asking for.  

Thank you Lord for knowing and loving your girl.  You're a GOOD GOOD Father!  

Rest for the Soul

I have discovered...okay I really already knew...that I have not been a very good listener up until this point.  I like to debate...I like to think about what I will say without really listening to what is being said to me first...I like to be right.  That's what being a Type A, perfectionist, high achiever maniac will get you. So this brings me to the beautiful scripture on this amazing picture I took this morning while walking on Folly Beach with my girls.  I need rest...I need to actively listen to the Lord...I need to hear his call for some peace and quiet in my life.  I need to get back to my quiet time with him and making time to really listen to his calling and quite my voice in my own head.  I have been running and running and running until finally something had to give.  So let's be honest...I have to work...I love my many jobs...I love my role as mom and wife and support for the ones I love.  So many big things are happening this year.  It is the beginning of senior year for Madie...Landry is starting 7th grade...Dennie is entering his second year as head football coach and athletic director...I have a challenging and rewarding job that keeps me away from home a lot...we are selling our house...we are building a new one...the list goes on and on.  And then there are the things I haven't made time for...I have hardly gone to church all summer...I have cooked maybe 4 meals for my family all summer...I have been in my war room maybe three times...and to be truthful all three of those times were when I was on my knees crying out to my precious Father to help me figure all of those things listed above out.  It wasn't time spent praising Him.  It wasn't time truly listening to His calling...truly hearing the words He was speaking to my soul.  
Melissa and I started the podcast as a way to connect to one another and provide encouragement and community for women and I really think we did that.  We are proud of what the Lord used us to do...we hope that someone was touched by what the Lord spoke to them through us, but we feel like right now he is calling us to a season of rest.  We know just as with every other season there will be rebirth.  We are hoping for a rebirth through rest.  We are going to take a break and focus on our families for a while...truly pour into the lives that the Lord has blessed us with.  We won't be gone forever...these Two Small Town Girls will be back...we just know right now with the start of school and football and new life adventures we must listen to His calling and hit pause for a little while.  We will continue to post on our social media platforms and maybe even blog here and there, but for right now...for this season...there won't be any new podcasts.  Thank you so much to all of you who supported our crazy idea...and we hope you continue to do so.  We hope when this hiatus is over that we will be back refreshed and better than ever.  We trust in the Lord that His plan is perfect...it is Divine and His calling is always just right.  Thank you sweet supporters for loving us through every season...

Strength

As I sit here today to read my bible and do my devotional in my favorite spot all of the memories flood my mind.  This was the spot that I would play cards...have story telling marathons...eat...talk endlessly...or just sit with my granddaddy and soak up his love and strength.  Lord knows the ache I have in my heart and how much I miss him everyday.  Yesterday celebrating Madie's 17th birthday made me really think about how it has been 9 birthdays for her without him.  He passed away on March 22, 2007 and for our little family hers was the first birthday we celebrated without him.  When I am in this lake house I can really feel him here.  I woke up at about 2am this morning overwhelmed by his presence...I know it was him letting me know that just because I can't see him doesn't mean he isn't here.   He has been here for all 9 of those birthdays...even if he's not physically here he is always in our thoughts and hearts.  Thinking about how much I love my granddaddy and how much strength just his presence provided me with really made me think about my heavenly Father.  Truly it's the same on such a scale that my heart and mind could never even comprehend it really.  This morning I turned straight to Philippians 4:13 and how appropriate.  "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  Just as my granddaddy served as a source of strength when he was physically here and still when he is here only in my heart, my sweet Father is just the same and so much more.  He is here...He is present...He is passionate about me...His girl...His daughter...
How much more could I ever ask for?  In these quiet moments spent with Him I feel His love, His strength and His ever constant presence.  
#philippians413 #mystrength 

Living requires breathing

Breathing is something we do everyday without a second thought, yet it is vital to life.  The breaths that fill our lungs give us life and sustain us.  It's necessary whether we ever think about it or not.  What if each breath we took depended on our thought...our intentional thought about each breath...its purpose and importance.  How long would we survive?

I've been thinking a lot about these seasons that we pass through...am I intentional with these moments that pass like breaths?  What importance do I place on them...importance like the vital breaths I take to live?  It's so easy to just allow them to pass by without even a fleeting thought just as it is with these precious breaths of life.  I want to chose to be intentional.  I want to chose to recognize the importance of each moment....the role these moments play in this grand scheme that God has for my life.  God has been heavy on my heart for this.  Heavy on my heart to have faith, be still, and breathe in these moments.  

So this has brought about the questions...what is taking up these breaths?  What things and people are occupying my days?  Is this what God would have me filling these moments with?  How do I accomplish this intentional living while being what I think I need to be to those around me?  

So this brings choices...choices that are hard and choices that are easier...but choices that are necessary.  My prayer is that the choices are make about this intentional time glorify Him and Him alone. 

One thing I know is that these precious red headed girls and my Dennie need me.  They need my intentional time...they need my love and attention.  So some things are going to have to take a less prominent space in my life.  And in the end it'll all be alright.  In the prophetic words of Trace Atkins...I don't want to miss this when I'm gone!  Can I get an amen!

Psalm 90:12 

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Sometimes you blink and you're almost 38

I mean 38's not old...really it's not even close compared to my sweet Sally Faye who turned 83 on July 14th.  The years that have flown by just boggle my mind.  How does it happen...how is it that one moment you're 18 and getting ready to enter college and then you're almost 38 and have a daughter who will be a senior in a matter of weeks?  It just doesn't make sense.  It makes me feel blessed and sad all in the same breath.  It makes me wonder what were the parts that I didn't cherish enough...what parts did I allow to slip through my fingers not knowing how really precious they were?  I especially think about this now that my own children are getting older but also because the people I love most are getting older.  My precious grandmother turning 83...my brothers are no longer children...they are grown men with lives and families and bringing their own precious babies into this world.  Yesterday I sat and loved on our sweet Ivy and thought about how much I couldn't wait for her daddy to come into this world...I reflected on the precious moments that I got to hold our sweet baby Charlie and how even though we will never get to love on him again here on earth he will forever be in our hearts and waiting for us in heaven.  I'm sure our precious granddaddy...his namesake...is telling him all kinds of stories right now as they wait for us to join the fun.   It's hard to think about how quickly time flies in one breath and in the next I'm so ready to see those sweet faces that have gone ahead of me.  Time waits for no one...it marches on and continues whether we are ready or not.  

In this busy season of my life the Lord has been heavy on my heart to rest and reflect.  What is the pace for...is it for Him...does He get the glory?  The truth is if He doesn't then why am I letting any time slip through my hands for it?  I truly believe God brings this reflection so that we do live intentionally for Him and His purpose and not our own.  I want my precious girls to always see that their momma did all she did for them and for Him.  If I'm not fulfilling that then what am I fulfilling?  Is it worth the time that is so quickly slipping through my fingers.  

Lord today I pray for discernment, clarity and purpose.  Thank you for ALWAYS speaking right to my heart exactly when I need it most.  In the quiet still moments Father I long to only hear your voice.  Thank you for the clarity that comes with that.  May your plan always be all that I seek and only for your glory!

Psalm 86:12

I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart, And will glorify Your name forever.

Praying for Perry

Behind every dark cloud there is a silver lining of hope!

Gosh there have been so many thoughts going through my head these last several days.  There has been turmoil in our nation and in our state.  There has been division and disappointment.  There has been a searching for answers and explanation when sometimes there really just isn't any.  My thoughts though have been around the healing power of a sweet and holy God who loves us through all of our imperfections.  He loves us when we make the wrong choices...He loves us when we choose to base opinions and blame on everything but love...He loves us when we fall short...in fact He doesn't just love us...He carries us.
I was especially struck this week by the overwhelming grief that has gripped our nation.  From the tragedy in Dallas to the senseless acts of violence in Louisiana and Minnesota we are hurting...we are grieving...and we are looking for healing in all of the wrong places.  We are depending on retaliation and earthly judgement for our healing when really what our nation needs is the One True Healer...Jesus Christ.  Our God is the ultimate healer.  He longs to wrap His loving arms around us and heal our grief...soothe our broken hearts.  We all fall short, but where we fall the most short is in not seeking Him above all else.  This is what I will pray for our nation and this world is that we solely seek Him and His divine healing powers above all else.  No march...no earthly unification...no singling out what lives matter versus another will ever bring us to the eternal healing that only Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, will bring.  He calls us to do all things in love...period...nothing else...follow Him and do all things through a loving heart.  Let's break that down.  Do you think that any act of violence...any mass shooting...any profiling whether based on race or choice of profession is ever done from a loving heart.  I boldly say NO...not the kind of loving peaceful heart that our God calls us to.  I choose to lay my battles at the feet of a God who is far mightier than me...who has already won and fought the battle...I choose Him and Him alone for all my earthly battles and friends there is more freedom in that than I could ever put into words.
The other thoughts that have been heavily occupying my mind this week is the struggle Perry Noble, his family, and New Spring Church have been going through.  Ugh my heart just breaks for all of them.  Perry is a good man...did he make mistakes...yes, but you give me one person that hasn't and I will drop the mic and walk away...newsflash...this mic isn't dropping anytime soon.  WE ALL FALL SHORT...EVERY.LAST.ONE.OF.US.  I am no better than Perry Noble, as a matter of fact, his struggle has made me take a long hard look at my own struggle.  I too find myself using alcohol to celebrate...to commiserate...to blow off a hard day...to "cope" with the day to day struggle of stress and life and everything that scurries through this constantly running mind on a day to day basis.  I have at times allowed it to impair my judgement....I have allowed it to occupy a space that I should have clearly asked the Lord to pour in to.  The difference is, thankfully for me, I don't head a successful multi-site huge mega church.  I get to live my sin in the shadows of anonymity...convincing myself that no one will ever be the wiser because instead of facing it head on I have learned to work around this "little" sinful habit of mine.  I don't think the consumption of alcohol is a sin...not in the least little bit...what I do believe is the sin is the excess...the allowing alcohol to take the place and fill the spot that only my God should fill.  That's all me...that's not the alcohol.  The alcohol didn't walk up to me at that dinner and persuade me to drink more than that one glass I should have...that's me...that's my conscious sinful choice.   There is where the microphone drops.  That.is.real.life.truth.  Perry Noble needs our prayers...I need prayer...many many people need our intercession on their behalf to a healing loving God.  I haven't attended New Spring, but I have people I love more than myself that have and have been changed forever because God used Perry Noble to show that even an imperfect servant is still a servant...God doesn't choose the most perfectly qualified disciples...He chooses the disciples that everyone is going to look at and say "yeah that has to be ALL God!"  It is all for His glory...every.last.bit!
So today I am praying for Perry...I am praying for his family...I am praying for New Spring Church...most importantly I am praying for all the people out there, myself included, who can recognize themselves in Perry Noble and are given the freedom to not live in fear of their sins being seen, but live in the knowledge of a loving healing God who longs for nothing more than to wrap us in His arms and tell us He loves us despite that sin.  

The take home is do EVERYTHING with a Jesus like loving heart.  The rest will all fall into place.  No judgement...no backs turned...

1 Corinthians 13:13  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

Accomplishing it all through His strength

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work (1 Corinthians 12:4-6).

If we allow other people to tell us what we are and are not qualified to do, we will limit what God wants to do through us.

Why? Because ...

Those God calls, He qualifies!

If we are going to forge new paths, unleash new ideas and create new pipelines, then we must trust God to qualify us for the purpose to which He has called us. Today, don’t limit yourself by your ability; ask God to give you His!

This devotional spoke volumes to me this morning.  Ellie's passing has been heavy on my heart.  When I think of Ellie I think of a woman who allowed God to use her exactly where He wanted her.  It never had a thing to do with her own ambition but truly came from a servant heart that longed to fulfill God's purpose in serving others.  What a testimony.  

Being at the Optum conference this week, mourning Ellie, and allowing people who don't deserve space in my head to occupy valuable space has ignited a renewed fire and passion for what I know God has laid on my heart.  There are two God given people in my life right now that are His conduit for that passion.  

Palliative care and pediatric patients effected by chronic complex conditions are those two passions and desires in my heart.  I know that God has put the three of us together not by chance but for a purpose.  (I actually think there are many purposes and I can't tell you how much I value these two blessings in my life both professionally and personally.  I thank God for that everyday.  I hope they know how much I'm humbled by them for having an open heart and allowing Him to use them in my life.)

Here are two things I know.  Pediatrics and palliative care will be on my trajectory again.  It will look different and take me to places outside of this beautiful state but it will happen and I know that through His purpose it will develop into a national center of excellence to make sure that every child and palliative care patient gets the services necessary to make their trajectory the best it can be. This won't happen because of anything we do, but because God will allow it to happen and we will be willing servants to humbly have His work to happen through us.  It will happen not to prove a point, but because there are precious children and families who are not being served otherwise.  

The same is true for palliative care.  I wholeheartedly believe that palliative care is the gateway (the flood gate) to raising awareness and a comfort level for hospice care.  I saw it with what I was blessed to do with my previous job.  When we rolled out palliative care the amount of patients and families we served literally quadrupled.  Literally quadrupled...God lit that path with beams of light...He was ALL OVER that and through His guidance and grace we served so many families and patients even when personally I was falling completely apart.  

That is the other piece of this that I know so well.  The devil works hard.  He works hard to kill, steal, and destroy.  He works hard to have us focus on anything other than God's purpose and plan.   

Today this devotional provided me a new piece of wood for that fire.  The Lord used it to speak that last sentence to my heart...deep to the core...Today, don't limit yourself by your ability; ask God to give you His!

We are called according to His purpose....and therefore all things (all things...good, bad, all dem) work together for GOOD!   What we have before  us is His...it is to have a servant heart...it is to use His strength and accomplish amazing things for HIS GLORY and nothing less!  

#renewedpassionandpurpose #godgivenstrength #toHimbetheglory

Humility

It never ceases to amaze me how well my Father knows me.  He knows exactly what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear it.  Of course He does...I'm His...he formed me before anyone even knew I would exist.  He knows the workings of my mind...the ones I wouldn't even let my closest loves know...the weaknesses and the places I struggle...the many places that I fall short.  Yet He loves me and pursues me anyway.   He loves me enough to put His words in front of me at the moment when I need them most.  

I need a message of humility today.  I need to remember that all things good come from Him.  I needed to be reminded that I'm not the savior...He is.  Anything that I accomplish is because of Him...because of His grace.  In reading my devotion today...which I haven't done in a month and a week... He beautifully painted a picture of His humble example. The Father of creation humbly sent His only son to come to earth and live among men.  He came not as an earthly king, but as a teacher...as a servant...He looked for ways to serve the least of these...and He did it in a way that illustrates the true heart of Christ.  Paul's letter to the Philippians so eloquently spoke of Christ's example of humility.  Paul speaks of how through love and the Holy Spirit that dwells within us that we should do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.  In humility we should count others more significant than ourselves.  In verses 2:5-8 Paul writes, "have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

Just reading these words again as I write this blog humbles me.  So many things about that passage pierce my soul.  He is the son of God...SON.OF.GOD...yet when he took on human form and he came as a servant.  He.came.to.serve!  He didn't come to be served.  He wasn't selfish...he wasn't out for personal gain...he didn't tell everyone how amazing he was...he made sure everyone knew how amazing his Father was.  He knew his purpose for his Father and he did whatever it took...to the point of death...to fulfill that purpose.  

So yeah...microphone dropped.  

Who am I...

I am a wife...I am a momma...I am a daughter...granddaughter...niece...sister...friend...nurse...BUT no matter any of these titles I am a daughter of The King.  

I say that with the desire to have humility...not self righteousness...not entitlement but true humility.  He loves me.  He loves me however many times I don't make the right choice...however many times I lose my way because I am not focused on Him.  

I have been talking lately a lot about the struggle being real but you know what...it's really not.  I am His...He is capable of immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine...the end...there's no struggle there...just a whole lot of love, truth, and grace...abundant grace.  

Thank you Lord for that simple and overwhelming truth.  You are a GOOD GOOD FATHER!

#humility #lovetheLordwithallyouare #grace

Reflections of God's Calling

We often wonder what is our purpose...what are we doing with our time here...

I knew several years ago that truly God had a calling on my life that I would have never had guessed.  I knew that I was meant to care for the ones who were suffering...I was meant to play a part in easing that suffering and to prayerfully  shine the light of His grace and glory even through pain and hopelessness.   There have been times that I have questioned...why me...why would you chose me Lord...I am so flawed and so prideful at times.   Why would you chose this flawed women to play any part in the story of families who are aching and hurting and longing for purpose in a story that so strongly reflects dire pain and agony?  This is where faith comes in...faith in a purpose so much bigger than me...so much more than anything I could ask or imagine.  I have humbly walked alongside parents who have watched their precious babies be welcomed into the arms of a Savior in heaven.  They have cradled and cried...they have embraced gratitude in the face of the release from suffering.  This is grace...this is love...this is faith...this is a love beyond all understanding.   

I often stand in the early morning hours and stare at my girls.  I stare at them sleeping and think how blessed am I?  What did I do?  The reality is I didn't do anything.  I was blessed.  There are many times that I have stood in that sacred space with a family that is releasing their child into the arms of our savior and wondered...what makes them different?  Why them...why not me?  There isn't an answer.   This is where belief in God's divine plan comes into play.  He knows...He knows what I cannot even begin to wrap my head around.  So in this reflection of a calling I say thank you....thank you for allowing me to occupy the space.   Thank you for trusting me...thank you for trusting Him.  You...your sweet precious angel...your family...your story has impacted me more than I could ever express.  So a simple thank you is all I have.  

#blessedandthankful #calling #morethanaprofession #hpm

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Gifts

Who doesn't love gifts...I think most people are surprised to learn that my love language is actually not gifts.  Now I am not going to lie, I don't mind a good gift...especially ones that come in pretty little blue boxes with white ribbon...oh wait that's not the point of this post so let me not digress.  My love language is actually words of affirmation and time.  In this season of my life I have learned to get those cups filled with time spent in the word and letting my sweet Lord speak words of affirmation to me through that precious word.  I have been on a journey of finding a quiet place in my heart where I know my worth lies with Him and no where else.  There is such freedom in that.  I know that no matter how good the things I do in this world are, how great the accomplishments, I will never find a place with more solidified love then on that cross where the price was paid and the sin was washed away.  There is no better love language than that. 
But my Father knows me...He knows that I need people in my life that will take the time and make the investment to fill those as well.  He has given me some amazing women (and men...I won't leave my sweet Dennie out) who have blessed me personally and professionally...and many times a combination of the two.  In a season where I was trying to figure what it was God was calling me to next when my soul needed rest I was reminded of how well He loves me by placing me right where I need to be and who I need to be with.  He gave me Dennie right when I needed him those 22 years ago...He gave me Jena right when I needed her to be the sister I never had...He gave me my sweet Diane over 3 years ago to light a passion in my heart for hospice and more specifically pediatric hospice...then He brought her back to me when that fire needed to be lit again...and most recently He gave me a kindred spirit who knows the struggles of being a coach's wife and professional all in the same breath...someone to laugh with, pray with, drink really good wine with, and share a passion for a healthcare movement that more families and patients need access to.  Diane and Dawn Michele are two of the most dynamic women I have ever met.  They love their families, they love our Lord, and they love this work that we are so blessed to be a part of.  This sacred space that these families allow us to come into is a privilege and a blessing and I am humbled everyday to walk beside these two women and move those mountains through His strength and for His glory. 

These two women know my heart...they love so well through pruning and encouragement...they spur growth and maturity and I.am.so.thankful for them.  When I was questioning what I could bring to the table and feeling very defeated they wouldn't hear it.  They knew there was a passion and where there is passion there is a mission led  to a place without borders.  They are not overbearing...they don't micromanage...they chose athletes and stand back and watch them do what they know they are capable of doing with guidance when needed.  There is trust and respect...there is constructive feedback...there is truth spoken everyday without fear and there is love.  Not many people get to be so lucky to work with someone that they relate to on many different levels professionally and personally and I am forever grateful to a Father who knows what I need right when I need it.  

I am so thankful that I now know what it was the Lord was pulling my heart towards and that I was obedient and patient.  (I am not very good at those two things and it wasn't fun...but the payoff was ten fold.)

Diane has been my mentor from the moment I heard her story and passion surrounding hospice and palliative care.  I knew that she embodied what I wanted to be professionally.  She is driven...and not by the gain for herself...she is driven by what she can accomplish for others.  She loves like Jesus...she wants to see her "babies" succeed and she loves you through the pruning to make that happen.  She is the shoulder to cry on...the shove in the back you need...and the best teacher of lipstick application I.HAVE.EVER.SEEN!  I love her like she were my momma and I am so blessed to have her in my life.  God is so good!

Dawn Michele was the best surprise of them all.  I knew she was dynamic...I knew she was driven and smart...and I knew professionally I would learn so much from her.  What I didn't know...but HE knew was that on a personal level we would have so much in common.  We both love men who love football, we both love our girls passionately, we both love what we are blessed to do everyday fiercely, and we love our Lord with all of our heart and how much He loves us through all of our flaws.  Oh and we LOVE a good glass...okay bottle...of wine.  It has been so fun to learn who she is...where her heart is...and I am so thankful that my sweet Father loves me enough to know how much she would enrich my life.  I have never doubted how much He loves me...maybe thought a time or a thousand whether or not I deserved that love...but when I look at these precious people in my life there is no doubt that my sweet Father knows His girl and He loves me with a passion that has no comparison. 

Thank you Father for loving me...for knowing me...and for ALWAYS providing exactly what I need when I need it.  You are a good good Father!  May all the glory be yours and yours alone!


Philippians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.


#mypeoplelovesowell #myGodalwaysprovidesabudantlymore #lovewhatyoudo

The give and take...

There is a lot of give and take in this life.  I have graciously been on the receiving end of those who have abundantly given love, time, resources, encouragement, and grace...lots and lots of grace.  I like to hope that I have paid that forward in developing a life of service.  A life that seeks to glorify a God who gave it all...a precious Father who without asking for anything but faith and belief in return have IT ALL!  And that's what I do...I have a belief that Jesus hung on that cursed tree to die for me...that He lives in my heart...and He will never forsake me.  So in these precious minutes I have on this earth I will wholly seek to follow His will for me...to have a servant heart like Jesus...and shine His light not because He needs me to, but because I long for that intimate relationship with Him.  

I have struggled recently with how to balance this life I love...knowing full well that there really is no balance.  This is a life of give and take...of abundance and sacrifice...of sometimes saying no to be able to say yes.  God has taken me on quite a journey to learn that lesson.  He has allowed me to feel abandoned to show me that He will never abandon me. He has been there when I felt abused and lead me through with His quite whispers of love and grace.  He has seen me rejoice in the love of the ones He gave me to do this life with and prompted me to recognize His glory in it all.  He has carried me through the times of loss and heartache and helped me see that I.am.never.alone.  He has guided me through academic and professional set backs and then achievements only to teach me more whole heartedly that He is always in the details.  He has brought me into a quiet and passionate relationship with Him through His word.  He has taught me that His word is the compass for my life...ALWAYS!  

No matter the give or take...the ups or downs...the heartache or the rejoicing that occurs in this life...He is the reason for the beauty in it all.  My favorite song right now is Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin.  That's what He is...He is the best daddy we could ever ask for and one day I can't wait to hug His neck and tell Him how thankful I am for who He is!  

#Jesusgirl #goodgoodFather #giveandtake #blessedandthankful

My ego is not my amigo

Pride is a hard thing to wrestle with.  It isn't always intentional and over this last year and half I have learned so much about pride...and the necessity of checking it at the door.  The lesson has been hard and uncomfortable and revealing and rewarding all at the same time.  The Lord has taught me that the famous Dennie McDaniel phrase, "Your ego is not your amigo," is truer than any words that funny man has ever spoken.  My ego is NOT my amigo...it gets me in big trouble and most of the time the trouble is within.  The real battle is in me because on one side of the battlefield  is my heart and the knowledge that my worth...my identity...my purpose is in Him...while on the other side of the battlefield is the enemy in my mind telling me that the disappointment and betrayal are worth fighting over...worth crying over...worth the doubt in my mind over what God is clearly calling me to...worth questioning the One who never forsakes me...the One who loves me despite that doubt and questioning and calls me daughter...who calls me His.  This is what that not so friendly ego gets me...tears, frustration, and doubt.  Who needs that....NOT THIS GIRL!  So instead I come into this war room and I open my battle plan...I open the book where the living breathing word of my sweet precious God is ever present and always ready with His best battle plan for that enemy.  Today when those feelings of frustration and doubt were crashing over me like angry ocean waves and the enemy was in my ear whispering the words that sink deep into the cracks of my soul where he knows my weaknesses are all I could concentrate on was that betrayal that cut so deep.  I couldn't hear my Father's patient sweet calling on my heart to surrender it all to Him.  I pulled into my driveway after being gone two days and all I wanted to do was get out of that car and go straight to this room.  What a blessing this war room is. The precious presence of my Father is felt here, and is exactly the space I needed to be able to clear the enemy's words from my mind.  As hot angry tears of frustration and disappointment streamed down my face I opened my bible and a business card fell out.  A couple of months ago when I was anxiously waiting in a Starbucks to give the news of my departure from my job to a man that I respected greatly a complete stranger walked up to me and said that it was heavy on his heart to give me this business card he had been carrying.  He said he felt the Lord clearly tell him that I needed to know...really know...the words on that card.  At the time I thought that the words on that card were meant for me to get through that day...to deliver that news that I had been anxiously waiting to give.  As usual the Lord knew when I would need those words...it wouldn't just be on that day.  It would be today.  He knew today I would need to see that card and remember that He is always there.  He always knows what I need when I need it.  He knew that today would come..He knew that those tears would fall...He knew that the enemy would be in my ear whispering his lies.  We have an ever knowing Father who loves us completely and knows us

as His child.  We only have to surrender it all to Him and He will deliver the words on the card.  He will deliver the words that our hurting heart needs to hear.  As it was that card fell out of the bible in the place it had been holding in the book of Colossians.  My eye immediately went to Colossians 3:1-17.  I want to end this entry with those words...the words that God delivered to the Colossians through Paul.  
Living as Those Made Alive in Christ

3 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life,appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature:sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander,and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.11 Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised,barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do,whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

My prayer today is that you will all live as those made alive in Christ.  That is who we are!  We are alive because Christ is alive in us.  What a gloriously beautiful truth to settle in to today and everyday!

#notlookingback #sightsetonHim #Hispurposelivesinme #goodbyetothatego #aliveinHim