Tears upon tears upon tears

Tonight I cried...I cried and I cried and I cried.  I probably cried more than I have cried in a very long time.  Madie took her first trip to Greenwood by herself.  She was supposed to being going ahead with two of her friends that want to go to Lander with her and we were going to follow up a little later to meet them there, but things happen.  Things happened today...it took me an hour and a half to get to Folly and I was exhausted.   I didn't get in from my Biloxi trip until 11:30pm last night and well to put it mildly my body has had enough.  Between flights and bronchitis and stress and babies being seniors and moving and all the feelings I couldn't go another step.  I called Madie...I called my grandmother...I called Landry...Dennie and I talked and it was decided that we would let Madie do this trip on her own (staying with my sweet Sally Faye of course) and we wouldn't go...we would stay behind.  I convinced myself that this was what I wanted.  I needed the rest...my body did...my mind did...and soon enough she would be doing this on her own all of the time.  But those things are easier said than done.
In 195 days my girl will be graduating from high school...in 274 days she will starting classes as a freshman in college...
I have to pause here because this is what brings the tears.   
Tonight I sat on this screened porch and listened to the waves pound on the shore and I cried.  I cried for how proud I am of that baby of mine.  The amazing young woman she has become...the fact that when it really comes down to it I am not worried for her.  She is brave and smart and head strong and persistent and marches to her own beat and loves fiercely and defends even more fiercely.  She is her mother's daughter.  She has my eyes and my spirit and my mouth and my hard head and my heart for those less fortunate than her.   She has a heart to help and lead and doubt and wonder and fiercely love.    How did I get to be her momma.  When we think back on being 20 and 22 and finding out we were having her...not on our time but definitely in His plan...not when we were ready or prepared but when He knew we needed her....I am so very humbled.  I was chosen to be her momma and what an honor and privilege and struggle and joy it has been to watch her grow.  
Plain and simple...honest and true...I am not ready.  
I sobbed to Dennie on this porch that fact.  We reminisced about all the adventures when she was little.  We thought about our time in our little rental house sneaking back to watch her play at 18mos in her closet with her McDonald's play set...knowing fries would always be her food of choice.  We thought about when we didn't have two pennies to rub together but we got together enough money to take her to Disney World right before her 3rd birthday (so she would get in free).  She was so sick right before that trip...she spent 3 nights in the hospital and it was one of the scariest moments in our lives.  But as always she played by her own rules.  She didn't let a little hospital keep her out of Disney.  We laughed through tears as we thought about her telling Mrs. Frazier, her kindergarten teacher, that we were poor and didn't have enough money to go to the grocery store all because she didn't get potato chips packed in her lunch.  She has been our biggest challenge, our greatest joy, and our best version of us...she and Landry are by far the most amazing things we ever did.  No matter how imperfect we are God gave those two perfect angels to us.   There is no greater gift.  
Tonight...through the tears of joy and pain...through the memories...I am thankful.  I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I will ever know myself.  He knows the pain in my heart that at the same time brings me my most precious joy.  That precious red headed is one of two of my greatest accomplishments.   She will forever be my baby....