Tears upon tears upon tears

Tonight I cried...I cried and I cried and I cried.  I probably cried more than I have cried in a very long time.  Madie took her first trip to Greenwood by herself.  She was supposed to being going ahead with two of her friends that want to go to Lander with her and we were going to follow up a little later to meet them there, but things happen.  Things happened today...it took me an hour and a half to get to Folly and I was exhausted.   I didn't get in from my Biloxi trip until 11:30pm last night and well to put it mildly my body has had enough.  Between flights and bronchitis and stress and babies being seniors and moving and all the feelings I couldn't go another step.  I called Madie...I called my grandmother...I called Landry...Dennie and I talked and it was decided that we would let Madie do this trip on her own (staying with my sweet Sally Faye of course) and we wouldn't go...we would stay behind.  I convinced myself that this was what I wanted.  I needed the rest...my body did...my mind did...and soon enough she would be doing this on her own all of the time.  But those things are easier said than done.
In 195 days my girl will be graduating from high school...in 274 days she will starting classes as a freshman in college...
I have to pause here because this is what brings the tears.   
Tonight I sat on this screened porch and listened to the waves pound on the shore and I cried.  I cried for how proud I am of that baby of mine.  The amazing young woman she has become...the fact that when it really comes down to it I am not worried for her.  She is brave and smart and head strong and persistent and marches to her own beat and loves fiercely and defends even more fiercely.  She is her mother's daughter.  She has my eyes and my spirit and my mouth and my hard head and my heart for those less fortunate than her.   She has a heart to help and lead and doubt and wonder and fiercely love.    How did I get to be her momma.  When we think back on being 20 and 22 and finding out we were having her...not on our time but definitely in His plan...not when we were ready or prepared but when He knew we needed her....I am so very humbled.  I was chosen to be her momma and what an honor and privilege and struggle and joy it has been to watch her grow.  
Plain and simple...honest and true...I am not ready.  
I sobbed to Dennie on this porch that fact.  We reminisced about all the adventures when she was little.  We thought about our time in our little rental house sneaking back to watch her play at 18mos in her closet with her McDonald's play set...knowing fries would always be her food of choice.  We thought about when we didn't have two pennies to rub together but we got together enough money to take her to Disney World right before her 3rd birthday (so she would get in free).  She was so sick right before that trip...she spent 3 nights in the hospital and it was one of the scariest moments in our lives.  But as always she played by her own rules.  She didn't let a little hospital keep her out of Disney.  We laughed through tears as we thought about her telling Mrs. Frazier, her kindergarten teacher, that we were poor and didn't have enough money to go to the grocery store all because she didn't get potato chips packed in her lunch.  She has been our biggest challenge, our greatest joy, and our best version of us...she and Landry are by far the most amazing things we ever did.  No matter how imperfect we are God gave those two perfect angels to us.   There is no greater gift.  
Tonight...through the tears of joy and pain...through the memories...I am thankful.  I am thankful for a God who knows me better than I will ever know myself.  He knows the pain in my heart that at the same time brings me my most precious joy.  That precious red headed is one of two of my greatest accomplishments.   She will forever be my baby....

Praise you through this storm

I am pretty sure in one of these rambling blog posts I have talked about how I continue to pat God on the shoulder and say "Thanks for that advice...but here's my plan."  I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the shed and I am so grateful that God continues to love this hard headed sinner.  The old saying that we make our own beds and have to lay in them is so true, and boy is that painful sometimes.  But what I do know is that through the pain comes growth...through the pain comes a realization that He is in control and for that I will ALWAYS be thankful.  Even when this brings my shortcomings to the forefront like a beacon of light, and I have to face the proverbial music of my choices.  It hurts...it sucks (for lack of a better term)...but it is so necessary.  Fear is a huge factor that drives a lot of my decisions.  What will I be missing if I give this or that up...how could this or that possibly be right for me....the fear of the unknown is a real struggle.  Okay so I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but God didn't create a fool even when my actions may beg to differ.  I consciously make decisions for the flesh and not for the Father and this morning I poured over my devotional and bible and cried to my Father for forgiveness and a heart to turn away from choices that are completely of this world and not for His kingdom.  I heard some pretty blunt and forceful words on obedience from Him today.  I needed it...I needed those words that were not flowery or cushioned for this hard head.  He knows me...He knows exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it and I am so thankful....even when it hurts.  I will praise Him through this storm...because He deserves nothing less and even when it hurts the praise is all due to Him.  
My fears are of this world and have no place in God's kingdom work.  In Matthew 16:21-28 Jesus is telling His disciples of His impending torture and death.  Peter comes to Him and begins to rebuke Him claiming that he will not let this happen.  I feel you Peter...I would have been like..."I will cut somebody Lord!  They will NOT do those things to you!!"  But what Jesus says to Peter cuts me to the core.  He tells Peter to get behind Him because he is acting as a stumbling block to God's Holy work.  He tells Peter that his concerns are merely human concerns and not the concerns of God.  Let's just digest that...
Who has all the feelings for Peter...I have both hands raised right now.  How many times have we gotten on our righteous horse and claimed it for God's glory?  Yikes...like I can't even count those times on all my fingers and toes...
It's NOT OUR PLAN!  The plan is His alone and our place in that is obedience.  OBEDIENCE to listen for His calling...His game plan.  That's all because NEWSFLASH...He has already won the battle.  We get to live in a place of victory through Him everyday regardless of our present circumstances.  Now that doesn't mean it's all jump castles and pony rides...oh to the contrary.  We are not living in our perfect heaven yet...we live in a very flawed world...where flesh reigns and everyday is a struggle, but the freedom comes in the fact that this doesn't have to illicit fear and disobedience.  
So yeah...hard and deep...this was hard and deep, but so necessary.  It was necessary for me to pour these words on this screen for my own soul, but also because I hear God's calling to shine this amazing light for our world right now.  We live in very uncertain times.  Times that are filled with hatred and wickedness.   Every time we turn on the news or fire up our social media we are bombarded with this flesh soaked world...all the evil and wickedness we could ever handle.  Now more than ever we need to live in this space with God and walk in obedience with Him...not be the stumbling block our self righteous hearts long to be.  

Lord thank you so much for laying this truth and these words on my heart today.  Thank you for your lesson in obedience this morning.  It was hard and I cried, but in the end the renewal in my spirit and heart to live fully for you is beyond measure.  I love you Lord!   

Forgiven

I came to a conclusion this morning...I am the daughter of a Father in heaven who knows His girl way better than she knows herself....I know I know this is not some big revelation.  I think I just forget to remember that when I am burning the candle at both ends.  I am not strong...except through Him...I am not patient...except through Him...I am not still...except when I am WITH HIM.  

This morning I was still.  I sat on this porch and listened to the waves crash and observed His magnificent glory beautifully painted in front of me.  I did my devotional and filled my cup with His words.  I haven't done this in months...and I am not just talking the fact that I am getting the pleasure of sitting on a screen porch looking at the ocean...I am talking I have not spent intentional time with my Father in months.  I have let the rush of the day....the flesh of my wants....and the never ending to do list get in front of exactly what my soul needs and desires.  

Today my devotional centered on Luke 23:26-43.  These verses describe the scene when Jesus was led away carrying the cross.  This part of Jesus' story always pains and renews me at the same time.  It reminds me, that just like the criminal in the story who confesses his crimes and asks Jesus to remember him when going into His kingdom, we are forgiven by simply confessing and allowing Jesus to live and dwell in everything we say and do....following Him with all we are.  Not following a set of legalistic rules...not "performing" as every good Christian should...not bound by fear of retribution for our wrongs...JUST GRACE...not our grace (whoa that would be bad) BUT BY HIS GRACE ALONE!  That is the renewing part of that story, and while the acknowledgement of Jesus hanging on that cross and being persecuted for my freedom and nothing He did is painful and humbling, there is such freedom and grace in His story.  He wrongfully hung on a cross for crimes He didn't commit and did so knowingly...knowing long before this ever took place that He came here to die in this way to save us.  There is NO GREATER LOVE...PERIOD. For this love and grace I am eternally thankful and renewed.  Thank you Lord for your love and grace---to you be ALL the glory!  
Take freedom in knowing this love, peace, and renewal in your life....it is beyond any words I could ever write on this page.

Not Perfect...Just Forgiven!

I love social media...okay so you can say it...thank you for that revelation Captain Obvious...but truly I do.  It is a way to keep in touch with people no matter the distance, it's a way to share joy and sorrow, express congratulation and condolence, more importantly it's an enormous platform to share the love of a precious Father.  But you know what else it is...or can be...the devil's playground.  It provides the same platform for people to feel less than, attacked, singled out, jealous, and discontent.  I felt the Lord speaking to me today to be very transparent.  What do we (for the most part) put on social media?  The filter...

We take 5 pics until we get the right one or we post the successes without all the failures that led up to that success.  It's kind of like when you hear a new music artist and it's easy to think gosh they're so lucky, but we don't think about all the years of hard work and struggle it took to get there. It's easy to forget about that when we see the one perfectly filtered and timed picture in front of us.  But the beauty in this is the God sees us through that filter everyday.  We're not lucky...we are forgiven.  I can promise that my people would tell you that there are many times that the witch with a B is front and center. I'm tired and short tempered...I want space when they already haven't had enough of my time...I want a clean and tidy house when I get home with no regard for what their week has looked like...there is a passion in me that sometimes...okay lots of times...comes across as fiery and bossy BUT I AM FORGIVEN...I am not perfect but He is and loves exactly who He made me to be...He sees me through the filter of a Father's love and there is no love more perfect.  The struggle is real y'all and I'm just #crazythankful for forgiveness.  Really the point to this post wasn't to point out all...oh believe me there are more...my faults but to truly and loudly proclaim His love for us regardless.  I hope you experience the same freedom I do just from reading those words.  Thank oh Lord for putting them on my heart this morning.