Seeing the other Rainbow

Well to say the last month and a half has been a roller coaster might be the understatement of the century.  So many changes...in the end ALL for the best...although in the midst of the storm it is really hard to see the rainbow.  There is hurt and confusion and questioning...questioning of what you thought you knew...who you thought you knew...what you thought the plan was and where you were supposed to be, but in the end He always knows best and goes before us...especially when the storm clouds are the thickest and He knows we have lost our way.  Over the last month and a half I have done a lot of self reflection and re-evaluation of my priorities.  The result has been more than I could have ever asked or imagined.  Things are still evolving and we are still working out this new normal, but we are so thankful and blessed.  I have people in my life who continue to stand beside me and encourage me even when the despair is so thick it's hard to breath.  They remind me of His mercy and love...and that He carries me through because I am His.  Romans 8:28 is my life verse and my loving merciful God continues to show me how true that verse is.
Driving home from a meeting in Columbia on Wednesday I got to see this amazing double rainbow.  I thought about how reflective that is of these times in my life.  The first rainbow is so bold and bright and it is the first thing my eyes go to, but there in the background is the second rainbow.  I get caught up on the first thing my eyes go to...the thing that makes the most sense...but there in the background may be something that doesn't stand out as much...isn't as bold and obvious...but holds so much of what He has planned.  I just have to refocus on what is just as much in front of my face as that big bold rainbow.  Landry told me yesterday that she thought it was so crazy that our eyes interpret color and their boldness.  Our eyes have control when mixed with light to make the colors appear the way they do.  It is all about focus...how is that any different than the choices we make in our lives?  Where we put our energy and focus is where we see the color.  The true test is being able to be still and listen to what He is telling you...where He is calling you.  That is what this last month and a half has been about.  He closed a huge door and opened doors to more than I could have asked or imagined.  Again and again He does that for this not really great at focusing or listening sinner girl.  I will be forever thankful for that grace.
I can officially now say that I have started my own business doing what I love to do and feel called to do...advocating, educating, and supporting Palliative and Hospice Education.  Palmetto Palliative Care Consultants, LLC has been a far off dream for a while now, and because doors were closed this door finally opened.   We cried and celebrated yesterday as this dream became official not only in our minds but legally as well.  The even more exciting part of all of this is because of the flexibility of operating this business on my own I have the ability to pursue other opportunities as well.  I am teaching nursing clinicals for the college I was blessed enough to obtain my first degree from, and on the horizon are two amazing opportunities to expand on this formal teaching position.  The first clinical I did I came straight home and told all of my people...that didn't even feel like work...this is where I am meant to be!
More importantly these doors closing and opening have given me the opportunity to be home.  Home with Landry...home to eat dinner with my family...home to support them in the everyday.  This has been the greatest gift of all.  I see mommas post all the time about how babies don't keep, and there has never been a truer statement.  They are ours for only a short time and we need to cherish every moment we are given.  My greatest accomplishment is being the momma of these two amazing girls God gave me.  All I am and all I do is for them!!

Answered Prayers

So you think you collect all of these letters behind your name and you've actually figured something out.  But the truth is you can have a whole alphabet soup behind your name and not actually know a thing.  I never really thought I had it all figured out...I am not that naive...but I thought I maybe had some things figured out.  Like the fact that I was doing what I was called to do and where God wanted me to be, but He tends to teach you big lessons in not so subtle ways.  Like the time He kicked me right in the gut and said okay your priorities are all wrong and I am going to need you to get it together.  I wasn't such a good listener when He had been talking and talking and talking in my ear letting me know this truth, but I continued to march along a path that He clearly didn't have planned for me.  So He taught this sinner girl a lesson in the best way He could.  He showed me that I am not all knowing...I am not the one who knows the plans He has...I am the one who is supposed to listen and submit and know when it is time to be what He is calling me to be.  So through a tough lesson and a painful process I ended up with today.
TODAY...Today was a good day...it was a day that I have prayed and hoped for...for a long time.  It was a day that a dream was realized...actually several dreams were realized.  I am so thankful...and so blessed...so blessed to be the daughter of a forgiving and graceful Father.
Today I taught my very first nursing school clinical.  I taught wide eyed...okay deer in the headlights...brand new nursing students...and at the nursing school that I was so lucky to graduate from.  The craziest part of today is that I taught two students who represented separate parts of my nursing career.  One student was a medical assistant when I worked my clinical coordinator job for pediatric neurosurgery and one was the sister of a patient who I was so blessed to care for from early diagnosis to her death not too long ago.  It was a very real and tangible reminder of why I chose to be a nurse...why I love what I am blessed to do everyday and for that I am so completely thankful.  Sometimes you just have to be reminded why it is that you have been working so hard and so long at your passion and your career.  Today was a very real reminder.  A real reminder that He knew that I needed.  I am so thankful He knows His daughter so well.
These last several weeks have been full of questioning and wondering and heartache...but in the end and in my mind the whole time I knew that He had a much bigger plan in place for me and I just had to be still and listen.  He never gives us more than we can handle...we may think we are weak but He is always strong and carries us through whatever situation we are presented with.  These footprints in the sand have been solo and they haven't been mine...they have been His...and He has carried me the whole way....not just these last several weeks...but for a long time now.
This crazy journey may not look the way we think it is going to look, but He always has a plan and it is always the best plan.
TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!  Thank you Lord for your presence and provision...ALWAYS!

Growing Up...

The funny thing about having a child grow up is that you grow up.  I thought by the time I had spent a little more than 38 years on this planet that I had done a lot of growing up.  Through getting married, having children, earning three degrees, and the consistent hills (okay mountains) and valleys, that I had packed a lot in these years blessed to me BUT then you watch your babies grow and grow and grow...and no matter how much pleading you do...no matter how many times you stomp your foot...or use your best mom voice...they do it anyway.   They grow and spread their wings and leave.  And you feel a little lonely.

Not because you don't want them to do all of those things, but because you wonder how did it go so quickly.  Were we not just in that Trident Hospital birthing room welcoming (painfully) that joyful bundle into this big wide world and wondering how in the ever loving hell we would ever shape a person to be good and functioning and have a loving heart...a heart that would break for those around her that didn't have the things and the love that she had.  But you know what....we did it.  Don't ask me how...or to write any kind of parenting book...because mine would include A LOT of cussing and apologizing and grace...NOTHING perfect...NOTHING textbook...BUT there was love and A LOT of it for that not always so sweet baby angel that I pushed out into this world in that Trident Hospital birthing room.

But the growing has this funny way of continuing to happen...not just for her or her sister...but for me.   I have recognized in me a need.  A need to know that I am loved and cherished and cared for.  It is the strangest juxtaposition....really it is.  I have always worked very hard to compensate...to make those around me immensely happy.  Without a shadow of a doubt I hope my tombstone one day will read...She made the ones around her feel immensely happy and always loved.  I think that for the longest these feelings would creep into my psyche and I would of course...like any good, well raised, southern girl...push them back and soldier on.   I have babies to raise and a husband to care for and houses to keep and careers to excel at and the list goes on and on, but you know what I realized (maybe not such a long time ago) is that I am worth it.  I am worth feeling like I should have those things that always creep up in this ever moving crazy mind of mine...loved...cherished...cared for...these are not just wants...they are needs and that is the raw honest truth.   There is no guilt there...no guilt for speaking my mind...no guilt for knowing what I need...not just what I want but what.I.need.  I have always said that what I wanted for my girls was to know that they are always enough...always...no questions asked.  I truly believe when you know you are loved...not for what you've done or accomplished but simply because you breath air...then you know at the bottom of your soul that you are enough.  Being their momma has been the single biggest pleasure of my entire life...God's greatest gift without question.

So as this season comes and goes I can say that I may be the most thankful for this time of my life. It has been hard...actually I think maybe I should come up with another term for this kind of hard...four letters doesn't seem big enough...even if some of my favorite words have four letters...refer back to the part where I said the thing about cussing :) but I digress...I am so thankful for the lessons of this season and the self awareness it has brought about.  But mostly I am thankful for the clear view of my worthiness that the sweet baby bird flying out of this coop brings.  She may not realize it....and someday I hope she does and takes great pride in it....what she has taught me.  My girls have taught me immensely more than I could have ever taught them.  They are my life song...my greatest joy...and if I never have another blessing for as long as I live they will ALWAYS be more than enough.

Year of Freedom

Freedom has so many different connotations.  I had thought that this year my word was going to be "Stillness" but as I've prayed over it and really listened to God speak to my heart I feel that He is laying the word FREEDOM heavy on my heart.  That one word has so many different meanings for me.  So many that even writing this blog post makes tears come to my eyes on what freedom in my life could really mean.  
I have been a slave to so many things throughout my life. Slave to perception...slave to comparison...slave to temptation...slave to jealousy....slave to my expectations and desire.   All of this self imposed slavery has left me with very little margin for the pieces of my life that should get all of my attention.  It has left very little room for what God is calling on me to do for His kingdom.  It has left me chained to unrealistic goals and an unrealistic perception of how things should work.  I think what this prayerful consideration has made me most aware of is that I have taken over my life and turned away from listening to His calling and only paid attention to my own.  This has further entrenched me in this slavery.  
So this is my year of FREEDOM.  Freedom from all of these binding ties.  Ties that keep my hands full when my hands should be empty and outstretched to what He has to fill them...ONLY WHAT HE HAS....not what I think should be filling the spaces.   This morning my devotional verse was Matthew 12:9-14.  

"Going on from that place, he went into their synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there.  Looking for a reason to bring charges against Jesus, they asked him, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?"  He said to them, "If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out?  How much more valuable is a person than a sheep!  Therefore it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath."  Then he said to the man, "Stretch out your hand."  So he stretched it out and it was completely restored, just as sound as the other.  But the Pharisees went out and plotted how they might kill Jesus.

Lord there are so many pieces to pull from this part of your word.  The first truth being that you are always present to protect and restore.  Just like the shepherd to the sheep you save us continually.  Lord of all of your blessings I am so completely thankful for that fact.  This sinner needs saving------always.  The other truth is that all we have to do is stretch out our hands----you are waiting----waiting for our willingness to turn from the things that are not of You and focus our sights on You and Your plan.   Lord I pray for the clarity in my vision only You can provide.  Thank you Lord for Your patience and love.  The third truth is that the devil will always be plotting our destruction.  He also patiently waits and circles like a lion to its prey----waiting to attack the vulnerable spaces in our lives.  Lord I pray for the strength only you can provide to resist the constant temptation of this world and the devil.  Lord I pray for a deep abiding fire for you and your calling----the FREEDOM only You can provide!!

Amen!!