Not because you don't want them to do all of those things, but because you wonder how did it go so quickly. Were we not just in that Trident Hospital birthing room welcoming (painfully) that joyful bundle into this big wide world and wondering how in the ever loving hell we would ever shape a person to be good and functioning and have a loving heart...a heart that would break for those around her that didn't have the things and the love that she had. But you know what....we did it. Don't ask me how...or to write any kind of parenting book...because mine would include A LOT of cussing and apologizing and grace...NOTHING perfect...NOTHING textbook...BUT there was love and A LOT of it for that not always so sweet baby angel that I pushed out into this world in that Trident Hospital birthing room.
But the growing has this funny way of continuing to happen...not just for her or her sister...but for me. I have recognized in me a need. A need to know that I am loved and cherished and cared for. It is the strangest juxtaposition....really it is. I have always worked very hard to compensate...to make those around me immensely happy. Without a shadow of a doubt I hope my tombstone one day will read...She made the ones around her feel immensely happy and always loved. I think that for the longest these feelings would creep into my psyche and I would of course...like any good, well raised, southern girl...push them back and soldier on. I have babies to raise and a husband to care for and houses to keep and careers to excel at and the list goes on and on, but you know what I realized (maybe not such a long time ago) is that I am worth it. I am worth feeling like I should have those things that always creep up in this ever moving crazy mind of mine...loved...cherished...cared for...these are not just wants...they are needs and that is the raw honest truth. There is no guilt there...no guilt for speaking my mind...no guilt for knowing what I need...not just what I want but what.I.need. I have always said that what I wanted for my girls was to know that they are always enough...always...no questions asked. I truly believe when you know you are loved...not for what you've done or accomplished but simply because you breath air...then you know at the bottom of your soul that you are enough. Being their momma has been the single biggest pleasure of my entire life...God's greatest gift without question.
So as this season comes and goes I can say that I may be the most thankful for this time of my life. It has been hard...actually I think maybe I should come up with another term for this kind of hard...four letters doesn't seem big enough...even if some of my favorite words have four letters...refer back to the part where I said the thing about cussing :) but I digress...I am so thankful for the lessons of this season and the self awareness it has brought about. But mostly I am thankful for the clear view of my worthiness that the sweet baby bird flying out of this coop brings. She may not realize it....and someday I hope she does and takes great pride in it....what she has taught me. My girls have taught me immensely more than I could have ever taught them. They are my life song...my greatest joy...and if I never have another blessing for as long as I live they will ALWAYS be more than enough.
